Twisted life

Au revoir

2007-03-06T21:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning, my father lost his battle with lung cancer. He was holding the hand of his younger brother and one of my most favorite uncles, Uncle Chuck, when he went. I am so grateful for the fact that he was there and that my dad was at peace and is finally, FINALLY out of pain. I am doing okay all things considered. Thanks to all of you who wrote and emailed and sent well wishes. It meant more than you could ever know. Several of you did more than people who are in my life. I don't feel the need to go into details. Most of you know my history and can imagine who came through for me and who didn't. It does not bear repeating here, does it? This is not about that. It's about my father and how much I love him. I know how blessed I am to have had that wonderful man in my life. I will always carry him in my heart.

This is where the 3 rivers converge in Pittsburgh. This is where my dad's ashes will be scattered. I am thrilled because I love this place. Love IT.

On that note, these beautiful flowers came to my home today courtesy of Mrs. DallasK, Rant 'N Ravin' Tammy and the Football Widow. What a very thoughtful, sweet surprise. Again, y'all go above and beyond and I am talking to all of you internets. Y'all bitches are the bestest. Really. I'm not sure how to adequately say thank you for just being there.

In other news, this will be my last post on this blog. I think that this is a good time in my life for a change and as I eluded to earlier, I am planning on doing a dual blog with Mrs. Pissy Britches. I could not bear the fact that the woman who talks about waxing her vag (oy vey) and thinks American Idol is the best thing since sliced bread was no longer going to post. From what I saw in her comments, a lot of y'all felt the same way. So I conned that HAB into doing this blog with me. It is called the Second Wives Club and the site is www.secondwives.wordpress.com. I am not sure what I will do with this blog - whether I will import all the posts over there and put them under one giant category or what. I don't want them to be right on the page because I want this to be a new beginning. If anyone has some ideas, I'd love to hear them.

So from now on, you will find me over there. This blog has seen me through some really rough times in my life and now is a good time to break with that portion of my life. I have made some fab friends via this blog and I hope you all will follow me to Casa de Second Wives.

Bon soir!

Waste of Space Monday - I have no words - Just read the article

2007-03-04T22:58:00.000-05:00

Journalists: U.S. military deleted photos of attack

Thanks to Kami for bringing this article to my attention.

***EDITED TO ADD*** I am currently working on possibly doing a dual blog with Pissy. It seems to be a go, but I want more of her input. If it is a go, I will most likely post there on the regular and leave this place forevah. I will keep everyone informed. I'm sure you just are waiting with baited breath, right? Uh huh.

Why I hate living here, Reason #4 - This was an email I received.

2007-03-02T10:10:00.000-05:00

***UPDATED TO ADD***
The man mentioned at the end of this email apparently is the one who made this speech. I don't believe that was entirely clear. However, I agree wholeheartedly and would love to shake his hand.

If you are going to email me and say something about how this is racist, save it. You don't live here.

Say a hurricane is about to destroy the city you live in. Two questions:

What would you do?

What would you do if you were black?

Sadly, the two questions don't have the same answer.

To the first: Most of us would take our families out of that city quickly to protect them from danger. Then, able-bodied men would return to help others in need, as wives and others cared for children, elderly, infirm and the like.

For better or worse, Hurricane Katrina has told us the answer to the second question. If you're black and a hurricane is about to destroy your city, you'll probably wait for the government to save you.

This was not always the case. Prior to 40 years ago, such a pathetic performance by the black community in a time of crisis would have been inconceivable. The first response would have come from black men. They would take care of their families, bring them to safety, and then help the rest of the community. Then local government would come in.

No longer. When 75 percent of New Orleans residents had left the city, it was primarily immoral, welfare-pampered blacks that stayed behind and waited for the government to bail them out. This, as we know, did not turn out good results.

Enter Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan. Jackson and Farrakhan laid blame on "racist" President Bush. Farrakhan actually proposed the idea that the government blew up a levee so as to kill blacks and save whites. The two demanded massive governmental spending to rebuild New Orleans, above and beyond the federal government's proposed $60 billion. Not only that, these two were positioning themselves as the gatekeepers to supervise the dispersion of funds. Perfect: Two of the most dishonest elite blacks in America, "overseeing" billions of dollars. I wonder where that money will end up.

Of course, if these two were really serious about laying blame on government, they should blame the local one. Responsibility to perform legally and practically fell first on the mayor of New Orleans. We are now all familiar with Mayor Ray Nagin the black Democrat who likes to yell at President Bush for failing to do Nagin's job. The facts, unfortunately, do not support Nagin's wailing. As the Washington Times puts it, "recent reports show [Nagin] failed to follow through on his own city's emergency-response plan, which acknowledged that thousands of the city's poorest residents would have no way to evacuate the city."

One wonders how there was "no way" for these people to evacuate the city. We have photographic evidence telling us otherwise. You've probably seen it by now the photo showing 2,000 parked school buses, unused and underwater. How much planning does it require to put people on a bus and leave town, Mayor Nagin?

Instead of doing the obvious, Mayor Nagin (with no positive contribution from Democratic Gov. Kathleen Blanco, the other major leader vested with responsibility to address the hurricane disaster) loaded remaining New Orleans residents into the Superdome and the city's convention center. We know how that plan turned out.

About five years ago, in a debate before the National Association of Black Journalists, I stated that if whites were to just leave the United States and let blacks run the country, they would turn America into a ghetto within 10 years. The audience, shall we say, disagreed with me strongly. Now I have to disagree with me. I gave blacks too much credit. It took a mere three days for blacks to turn the Superdome and the convention center into ghettos, rampant with theft, rape and murder.

President Bush is not to blame for the rampant immorality of blacks. Had New Orleans ' black community taken action, most would have been out of harm's way. But most were too lazy, immoral and trifling to do anything productive for themselves.

All Americans must tell blacks this truth. It was blacks' moral poverty not their material poverty that cost them dearly in New Orleans. Farrakhan, Jackson, and other race hustlers are to be repudiated for they will only perpetuate this problem by stirring up hatred and applauding moral corruption. New Orleans , to the extent it is to be rebuilt, should be remade into a dependency-free, morally strong city where corruption is opposed and success is applauded. Blacks are obligated to help themselves and not depend on the government to care for them. We are all obligated to tell them so.

The Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson is founder and president of BOND, the Brotherhood Organization of A New Destiny, and author of "Scam: How the Black Leadership Exploits Black America."

Update

2007-03-01T14:34:00.000-05:00

Yeah, the weather here is no bueno. I have a Pooper under my desk and I just got a memo from Reba that she will be moving to sunny San Diego. I could not quite make out the paw scratches but it said something like "First, you brought in that damn dog and now this rain, this LOUD RAIN. You no deserve me. Bon soir."

I had no idea she was bilingual.

Said yesterday while the dog had inflicted yet another unintentional wound

2007-02-27T11:53:00.000-05:00

Hubs (while grabbing his man boobie): "Ouch, God damn it, Gage, that hurt."
Me (while trying not to snicker): "Did he get your nipple with his death claws AGAIN?"
Hubs (still clutching boob): "Ouch, yes."
Me: "Damn, he used to be the nut finder, now he is the nip finder."
Hubs (all of the sudden pain free and looking annoyed: "Is that a slam at my heritage?"
Me: Sigh "No, dear, had I wanted to do that, I'd have dubbed him the Gook finder. Pay attention."

Quick tip for happy feet

2007-02-25T20:00:00.000-05:00

One should probably not wear brand new, never worn, not at all broken in 3 inch heels for two separate functions that involve a lot of sitting, standing, kneeling, and walking.

Me and the giant, puffy masses that used to be my relatively cute feet shall be retiring now to the sofa/coffee table combo. Latah.

I went and humped Kohls and rubbed my boobies on it

2007-02-24T12:32:00.000-05:00

I left with 3 bags and was poorer by $340. Mmmhmmm. I have no control. I do, however, have the following:

-new dress, pic to come later.
-new black heels.
-new walking shoes.
-ummmmm, let's just call this one a foundation garment. Lumps and bumps under new dress are no bueno.
-new undies.
-3 new table runners for Spring.
-a spring/bunny little display dealio. So very cute.
-new V-Day placemats on clearance for $1.19 a piece. HELLO.
-new spring placemats.
-Spring pillow for sofa.
-Summery shirt.
-Shorts - needed desperately.
-Work out capri pants.
-"Welcome Spring" guest hand towels for bathroom.
-the most precious Easter egg wreath thingy.
-new cheap sunglasses. I don't buy expensive since I will break or lose them.

I wanna be Kohl's baby mama.

***UPDATED TO ADD***
This is now day #4 of no soft drinks and no pizza. I want a fucking medal for this shit. I would sell Gage off to work on a farm plowing fields if it meant I could taste the nectar of the gods known as Coke Zero.

Why I hate living here, Reason #3

2007-02-21T14:25:00.000-05:00

Coming hard and fast, ain't they? Mmmmhmmmm. Oh, and TKW - if you want to do a race to see who reaches 100 first, bring it on, sistah.

3. Tupac thumped into the driveway again so I figured fine. Hubs told me call the po po on his ass and I did. I told them the deal, described the vehicle and gave the address where it was. Y'all know I got issues with the po po, but they have reached critical levels since moving here to the land where grammar went to die. Anyway, Fatty McCop drove up about 15 minutes after I got off the phone to report his little ass. Fatty waddled up to the door, spoke to him about 15 seconds and left. I doubt he even took down his license.

Now I know. I certainly did not expect a SWAT team to blaze up and carry him out in shackles but that would have been fun, no? I did expect Fatty to put his donut down long enough to write down the damn license plate number. I called the hubs and said that I called the po po, po po came and po po left and that would be the last time I did that. He asked but why? Well, I'll tell you why, hubs. I have to live here. You live here on what? Maybe a part time basis? You are also what? Eight feet tall and built like a defensive tackle on the Saints. Uh huh. So, sorry if I don't wanna piss off every single neighbor that I have, mmmmkay? I already know the dude is a dealer/runner, so while I really would rather not deal with Whitey Tupac, I really don't wanna deal with the trash down the street who would love nothing more than to have a Poop-a-Loop kebob all because I called the 5-0 on their boy.

So you won, Whitey Tupac. I give up. Is it sad that I spend my spare time looking up real estate listings in other cities dreaming of a land where the police are not all 350 pound pieces of shit who could not run a mile if their asses were on fire?

Yeah, I thought so too.

And just like that, I exploded

2007-02-21T09:53:00.000-05:00

I am really not sure how much longer I will be able to deal with my mother. She casually mentions yesterday at about, oh, 7 PM or so that she needs blood work before her doctor's appt that is this coming Monday. Mmmmhmmmm. Well, I will just gloss over the fact that she neglected to mention this Monday WHEN I WAS OFF. Fine. Oh, she also needs an MRI. Fab. So cue to this morning when I got up at 5:30 AM. Let me repeat.

5:30 AM. I don't do mornings, y'all. My schedule is 10 AM - 6 PM for a reason. Ya feel me? I have loathed mornings since I was just a wee girl with pigtails and knee socks, ok? I can get up if need be but I am not happy about it and being that I don't do coffee in the morning, or ever for that matter, I am just not a happy girl.

The thing is that the blood drawing place does not take appointments. You kinda have to go and deal with whatever line is in front of you. So we make the decision (read: I made the decision) to be there at 7 when they open because if you want any longer than that, it is really a crap shoot as to how long you may endure of a wait. Not to mention, we still had to also get the MRI, that up until about 45 minutes ago, I thought was also first come, first served.

Oh, silly silly girl, of course not. But I digress.

We get to the blood place and are a little early so once we see some guy go up and go in, she goes to the door. Pulls it, locked. Well, mom is not one to take the motherfucking bull by the horns and think quietly to herself, "Well, that man went in so surely they are open as it is also after 7 AM." No, she comes back to my car with this very disgusted look because of course, clearly none of this is her fault. The fact that we had to get up at the ass crack, the fact that she neglected to inform me of the blood drawing/MRI that HAD TO BE DONE BEFORE THE NEXT APPT THAT IS MONDAY, the fact that there was a fucking doorbell next to the door. No, SFG, that is not her fault. I very calmly say "There is a doorbell. Go ring it." Sigh, she exhales. At this point, my blood pressure did its first spike. Just. Fucking. GO.

A nurse comes to the door and lets her in and unlocks the door so that there is no more of this yanking on a locked door and disgusted expressions on people like my mother. She comes out and lets me know that there are 2 people in front of her and then her. Fabulous. I am reading my book (Running with Scissors - which I just finished - fabulous book - go buy right now). She strolls out about 7:20 and is all done. Oh, but wait. Not quite. You see, she was getting blood drawn for 2 separate doctors. The neurologist whose appt she has this coming Monday and then her PCP whose appt is the following Monday. (Yes, you read that right. My next two days off will be spent toting my mother around to the doctor.) Before her ass even hits the seat, she sighs with the sound of disgust again. I, who just have no patience for theatrics any time of day, but particularly before 8 AM, flatly said "What?" Well, Dr. McFucktard did not check what he wanted tested so only Dr. McRude got blood drawn for him. OK, so there is one appt that we just HAD to get up for that was a complete waste of my GOD DAMNED TIME. Second BP spike occurred right about then.

So we drive around the corner for the next appt which is for the MRI. Please recall that I mentioned a bit ago that the MRI place was like the blood draw place in that you don't make an appt. You just go and basically wait until you are called. I figured if we were there for 8 o'clock, surely she can be in and out in enough time for me to come home and be ready to work by 10 o'clock. She goes in and is in there long enough that I figure she must be getting herself scanned and pumped with radiation that will make her glow. I realize I have to pee. And when I have to pee, I will not be denied. My bladder has two settings - empty and full, must go right fucking now. I get out of the car and figure they surely have a potty in the MRI place, right? As I am rounding the corner, I almost collide with my mother with, yes, you guessed it, another look of disgust. Again, I am just not in the mood for her litany of reasons as to why this is not her fault and how life is just so hard for her, so I spit out "What?" again. She replies "I did not get the MRI - I just made the appt." For Monday. The same Monday that I am having to already take her to one appt. And one appt is for 11 AM and the other is 2:45. So thanks, Mom. You not only managed to completely fuck up the afternoon of my day off, we are now into the morning hours of a truly fucked up day. THANK YOU. I want to make clear right here and now before you all think I am the biggest bitch ever (which I am, but whatever). I have asked her multiple times to make the appts in the morning. I want them done and overwith. We make them with enough advanced notice that this should not be an issue. And yet, here we are 11 AM and 2:45 PM. Mmmmhmmm.

The sad thing about all of this is that I knew all of this was coming. I knew it. The woman can not just do something, be done and that's a wrap. No. It has to be multiple steps. It has to be difficult. For everyone involved. Not just her. Hell no. She likes to share the wealth of the annoyances. I tell her that I needed to stop at W*lgreen's and pick up a few things. We manage to do that without her burning the damn store down. We leave and she asks me if we can stop at the vet's office to get cat food for her cat who can't have regular food because he gets some sort of weird stone deal that blocks his piss shoot. (Again, the cat has to have issues, right?) She goes in and I call the hubs to vent briefly because I have a pressure release valve and it's called yelling and venting. If I don't decompress a little bit before she comes out of the vet's office, I can promise you I'd have driven straight thru their plate glass window with a maniacal grin on my face.

She comes out with a huge bag of food and hoists it in the back of my car. We manage again to drive home in one piece and I have not screamed, yelled, rolled my eyes, beaten her to death with her cane (that she does not need). We get home and one final nail in my coffin of sanity is drilled in with her bullshit. I hear her voice behind me as I am unlocking the door. "Awwww, I can't believe it." Again, to diffuse her hysterics, I do the "What?" again. The food is canine.

Please keep in mind that I am dealing with all of this before 9 AM, without the aid of Diet Coke and pizza being that I am now 9 hours into Lent. I promise you I will be on drugs by Easter. Or on trial for murder. Either or.

Why I hate living here, Reasons #1 and #2

2007-02-20T11:13:00.000-05:00

I shall just keep a running list of the plethora of reasons why I hate living in this shithole place because the things that I hate become more and more apparent every single fucking day that I exist in this den of ignorance and land of dipshits.

1. Mardi Gras. Why is it fucking necessary to take every single local channel and put the parades on from 10-3. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? If I am not at the parade, why should I be subjected to seeing all of that bullshit up close and personal in my living room. Put that shit on one channel and be done.

2. Tupac across the street continues to insist on thumping down the street despite my hubs asking him nicely to shut it because I work from home and crazily enough, I can't hear to type if someone has 150,000 watts thumping 50 feet from my head.

I'm sure more shall come at a later date. This list will hit 100 by the end of the year. Mark my words, bitches.

The one in which I sigh a lot.....

2007-02-19T23:40:00.000-05:00

Sigh.....

OK, so I call the dad tonight. Good thing right? Of course it is. My step mom had mentioned a while back that she would be in town in March for a conference. I come to find out that she is still coming which is great, but that she is coming during the time I would have been in Houston getting my drink on at the Blog Blowout. SIGH. For whatever reason, I am just not meant to make one of these things. I have no clue why. I think things happen for a reason but damn..... I am trying to concentrate on the positive. I already asked for the time off and it was granted so I can spend some extra time with my step mom and show her some cool stuff she has yet to see around the city. :)

However, I did get some FABULOUS news. Guess who is coming to the Big Easy ever so briefly to get on a big ass cruise ship? That would be Mrs. Pissy Britches!!!!! Mr. and Mrs. Pissy will be going on a cruise and it leaves from here. :) I get to meet the Queen of all HABs. Granted, it will be pretty quickly since they are only here to get on and off the boat, but how FUN. I will for sure have the cam at the ready to catch her in all her Pissy glory. I am so psyched.

So yesterday I drove up to Vicksburg to see my aunt and uncle and cousin, who is about the cutest little boy ever. I have pictures of him that I shall post tomorrow. That kid cracked my shit right up. They are going to come here next month for a crawfish boil next time. Should be big fun except I don't eat crawfish. They are red roaches. However, I am all for potatoes and corn that goes in the boil. Yum.

For everyone in the US, today is President's Day. For us, it's Lundi Gras which means tomorrow is Mardi Gras. Wednesday starts the beginning of Lent. I decided to give up soda and pizza. I know. I KNOW. Sigh. By Thursday, I will either be a puddle on the floor or will be on the news for killing someone for drinking a diet Coke in front of me, heartless bitch. I figured that since I am taking the time (only 7 more weeks of class....boooooyah) to go through all of this for church, I should try to give up something that would be tough on me. I am not so sure this will be harder on me or my hubs. I should be an absolute ray of fucking sunshine by Easter.

Speaking of church, I picked out my godmother/sponsor. I think I already mentioned that I chose Aunt Regina. She will be coming with us to mass on Sunday to participate in the Rite of Sending and then I have to also go to a mass later in the afternoon at St. Louis Cathedral (the church you always see in the Quarter on postcards)that will be presided over by the Archbishop for the New Orleans Archdiocese. No clue why I have to do the deal at St. Louis, but hey whatever. I'll figure it out as I go. I am glad this process is almost over. I am ready to actually partake in all parts of mass and not just go through the motions on some stuff. It's been a long journey.

I have been thinking of starting a new blog that is just for me. This is a wonderful place for me because I appreciate the feedback so much but I have kept journals often throughout my life and would like to do so again. I type much faster than I write so this seems like the easiest thing to do. However, it will be password protected for even viewing for sure. I want to feel free to vent about whatever my heart's desire without wondering what on earth g**gle is going to link to it. I don't worry here too much about my privacy obviously but I do censor myself to a certain extent as I am sure we all do. I would just like a place to put all that and empty my brain out. We'll see. I just started thinking about it. Will probably take me a while to actually get around to setting it up. Sigh.

Well, I am off to bed. Here is a question for you internets - do you give up something for Lent? Will you this year? If so, what shall it be and what are the chances of you keeping it?

Stolen from Mainline Mom

2007-02-19T19:50:00.000-05:00

I'll do a real post later. Until then, you get this.

Aprons- Y/N? God, no. I wear as little as possible without frightening the pets and neighbors.

Baking- Favorite thing to bake? Chocolate chip cookies for taste value. I am not the best cook but I can bake like a mofo. Oh, and banana bread because it reminds me of my dad.

Clothesline- Y/N? God, no. What is this? Little House on the damn Prairie? I have a dryer and I use the crap out of it. However, as evidenced by the cat ass on the sweater deal, I do sometimes take stuff out and lay it out. To have cat ass on it.

Donuts- Ever made them? No, but I have made beignets.

Everyday- One homemaking thing you do everyday? I am trying to think. There are various days that certain chores just do not get done. Load dishwasher I guess.

Freezer- Do you have a separate deep freezer? Yes, I do. Love love love that big bitch.

Garbage Disposal- Y/N? Who doesn't?

Handbook- Y/N? Yeah right. Is this the 50's?

Ironing- Love it or hate it? Hate it. Absolutely loathe it.

Junk Drawer- Where is it? One to the right of the kitchen sink.

Kitchen- Design and decorating? While I like the layout of my kitchen, the decor is not my taste and will be changed at some point. But it is not so gross that I can't deal with it for a little bit.

Love- What is your favorite part of homemaking? Being done and it all smelling so fab.

Mop- Y/N? This is a question? Yes, I just do the Swiffer wet jet dealio but once every month or so, I do the whole Pine Sol action to really get in there. Once a week with the Swiffer WJ though.

Nylons- Wash them by hand or in the washer? Washer.

Oven- Do you use the window or open it to check? Open.

Pizza- What do you put on yours? Pepperoni

Quiet- What do you do during the day when you get a quiet moment? Check email, watch tv or something. Read before bed.

Recipe card box- Y/N? No, but I would like to start one.

Style of house- God, I don't know. I don't have a defineable style. It's just me - what I like and how I like to have things.

Tablecloths and napkins- Y/N? I am more of a table runner rather than table cloth type of girl. Only use cloth napkins on special occasions or with company. Otherwise it is paper napkins all the way.

Under the kitchen sink- Cleaning supplies.

Vacuum- How many times a week? Probably 3.

Wash- How many loads do you do a week? I'd say between clothes, sheets and towels, about 8.

X’s- Do you keep a list of things to do and cross them off? Yes, right on my google page. Always there to remind me that I will never complete it and I am a giant slacker.

Yard- Who does what? Hubs. I no mow grass. Oh, but I do the planting beds because hubs could not possibly give less of a shit.

ZZZ’s- What is your last homemaking task for the day? Start the dishwasher if full.

Freedom - I won't let you down.....

2007-02-15T22:02:00.000-05:00

***UPDATED TO ADD***

Steelers' Cowher to join CBS as analyst

Thank GAWD. I was gonna miss the big chin.

Every time I try to put the SPF icon dealio on here, it fucks shit up, so just act like you see it, mmmkay?

So Kristine's theme this week is "freedom." That can be taken so many different ways. I actually sat and thought about this and tried to capture the many things that, to me, mean freedom.

This lovely machine not only tells time but allows me to watch what I want, when I want. I seriously do not know HOW the hell I existed before DVR entered my life. I heart him. I wanna be his baby mama.

These keys allow me to hit the road when I need some peace. My house is not nearly as full of some of y'all's, but living with one's mother under the same roof is enough to drive even the most sane (which does not describe me even on my best day) person to distraction. So I grab these, hop in my car and GO. There, I am my own DJ, listen to my tunes from high school that I refuse to let go of and sing loud and off key. What is better?

OK, so I know this looks like a torture device, but it's not. This thing allows me to take care of myself even when it is cold as a muthah out there. And I can do it all while watching Tony Soprano pop a cap in someone. Good times.

Ahhhhhh, and the best thing. This lovely machine gives me the freedom to shop from home, keep in touch with fam, do my banking, pay bills, keep up to date on national and international news without listening to annoying local newscaster drivel. I also discovered the joys and blogging and now have a place to vent, say my peace, meet some cool bitches and show off my disgustingly cute pets.

So that's it. Freedom in a nutshell for me.

In other news, Grey's Anatomy. Holy HELL. All I'm sayin.

So tomorrow is February 16, 2007. One year ago, I lost this man:

Man, can you deal with how friggin cute he is? I miss this tiny Flip every day. I use a laminated card with his obituary on it as my bookmark and I say hi to him almost every day. I encountered a lot of.....let's call it....adversity when me and the hubs got together. FIL was the first person to make me feel like family. He gave me a chance. He allowed me a shot and got to know me. He was stubborn. Set in his ways. ALWAYS thought he was right. But he sure did love his son. And he sure did trek several hundred miles to Destin all because I had my heart set on getting married at the beach. He also was smart enough to realize that if things unfolded in the way he figured they would that my hubs would never get what he had coming to him. So he made it possible for hubs to get what he rightfully deserved and made it possible for us to get this house. His sister (Aunt Regina - AKA one of the aforementioned "hens") is the one who made me consider giving RCIA a try and she will be my godmother in a few short weeks. His brothers and sisters have been nothing short of fantastic to me. Grateful does not begin to describe how that makes me feel. It makes my heart ache that he will never know our children, but I will make damn sure they know him. When my kid's hair stands up on end and he sings karaoke off key and makes up words that make no sense to songs and orders odd shit in restaurants like rice with mayo on top (not kidding) and shuffles around the house with his shoes collapsed in the back, I will immediately grab my kid and say "You know you got that from your Paw Paw Vincent, right?" I miss you, old man. More than you would have ever imagined. So so so blessed to have been a part of your life and a part of your family.

Good news and yet another request

2007-02-13T22:43:00.000-05:00

So we got our taxes done today. And....drum roll please.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Our refund will cover the entire surgery. I'm not fucking kidding.
OK, so the financial problem is out of the way. Now we need the following:

-Time to do the hibbity bibbity.
-Energy to do the hibbity bibbity.
-Energized spermies in a rapidly aging 40-year-old man. (Sorry, hun, but you're, like, old.)
-My stupid body to ovulate on the regular.
-If I do get sperminated that all of my genes don't get squashed into oblivion by his genes which is what seems to happen as both of his current children look like he pooped them out with nary the help of Camel Toe Annie. (This is a good thing for her, not me.)
-That somehow between now and me squeezing out my spawn, that child birth somehow becomes a very slimming and painless experience.

Shut it.

Waste of Space Monday - Youth of America

2007-02-11T23:14:00.000-05:00

Students use IM lingo in essays

Proof positive that our nation is going to hell in a handbasket. This is pathetic.

Brain dump - part deux.

2007-02-11T00:48:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I need to start carrying around like a notebook with me. Almost a diary of sorts because as I go about my day, I think of a shitten ton of things I want to write about, vent about, bitch about and share with you, the internets, but when I go to sit and put fingers to keys and compose a post, I draw a blank and end up just blathering on about my day (which, let's face it, is normally pretty damn boring) or showing pictures of my furry children. While I can look at pictures of my pets all damn day and be nothing short of amused, I imagine you all would prefer something a tad more mind provoking than the Pooper dragging his ass on the carpet (he has GOT to stop doing that) or Reba putting her cat ass on my sweater. Am I right? Can I get an amen please?

I finally got an email today from the girl I call my best friend. Truth be told, if we go by most people's definitions of best friends, mine would be either the hubs or my cousin, Jen. However, Wendy and I have been friends since 10th grade and while I doubt she considers me her best friend, I plan to keep the friend hierarchy as is for now. Anyway, I was a tad put out because she has always been rather close to my dad and despite several emails and a couple phone calls, I had not heard a thing from her. Not even a quick "How is the Dad?" dash off email. Well, today I realized why. You see, this is gonna come as a shock to you all but I can be a little self involved. I'll wait while you gasp and clutch your chests in utter disbelief.

Done?

Mmmkay.

So I completely forgot that her sister was pregnant and due to give birth in a month or so. Last I had heard there was a chance the baby had some of the indicators of Down's Syndrome. It was not conclusive evidence, so they were hoping for the best. Turns out that Julie gave birth a month early and it looks as though Down's is not a problem but of course with the early birth, there presents a whole host of other problems. Premies tend to have problems with lung development for months, if not years. She is a wee little thing weighing less than 5 pounds and Wendy has called her Thumbelina. We both do that - the whole nicknaming of everything. So little Ashley/Thumbelina is okay but has a long road ahead. Poor little chick.

Work has been okay but I have had some computer issues and it has slowed me down considerably. While waiting for stuff to download or send, I end up surfing the net and then I get distracted by some story about how inane Bush is or I start shopping for a new purse and then 15-20 minutes has gone by, the report has BEEN sent for a while now and I am still sitting there. Consequently, my production this week sucked donkey dicks. Big ones. No bueno, girls. I got bills to pay. Purses to buy. Kohls trips to make. Sperm channels to reconnect. Think productive thoughts for me, would ya? Without cash, I don't get sperminated and a license to eat lots and be bitchy - unlike now when I am the epitome of slim and mannered. Shut it.

So I am driving down the street last night to go assist my girl, Karen, in chaperoning a middle school dance - more on that in a second and the phone rings. I assume it is the hubs because I generally force him to keep me entertained on the road, but it is a number I don't recognize. I am way too curious (read: nosy) a person to allow a call to go to voice mail so I answer. It's Mrs. DallasK to tell me two things - (a) I don't have an accent and (b) She was a wee bit lit up as she and Football Widow were on their way to go see a flick. That girl is too funny.

So the dance. Let me tell you something about me. I live across the river from New Orleans and Metairie, which is the largest suburb of New Orleans. I detest Metairie. It is traffic and giant SUVs and non blinker using soccer moms that can barely function doing one thing at a time yet try to do 14 things while driving and talking on their phones. Metairie makes my toofers ache, y'all. What do I hate more than Metairie?

Mardi Gras. Can you even imagine how I feel about Mardi Gras IN Metairie? Oh yeah. Big fun for SFG. It never even registered that it was the first night of parades when I agreed to drive my ass across the river (hate that as well) and chaperone a couple hundred middle school children while they dance to songs that they think are new (i.e. Take my Breath Away and I Love Rock n Roll) and generally take the first steps to becoming future pole dancers. The most startling thing about most of these young girls was how able they were to walk in what can only be described as stripper shoes. (Hint: If any single part of your shoe is see through, and this includes the heel, they are stripper shoes.) These tiny little chicks, who I was pleased to note dressed fairly modestly compared to what I am used to seeing at the mall, all strode across that gym in 3 and 4 inch heels like it was nobody's business. I would have busted my ass at 13. Shit, I'd barely make it 3 steps now, bitches. Not these girls. These girls got skeeeels, ya heard? It is only a matter of time before me and Karen see them on a drunken night in the Quarter coming down a pole head first only using their legs using the dancing name of "Tasty." Not that I know anything about that, of course.

Ahem.

So anyway, after the dance which lasted a total of two hours and from which I am still partially deaf, everyone and according to Karen's daughter, Karlene, EVERYONE was going to Cafe du Monde up the road to have beignets and coffee or hot chocolate. So off we went. We are nothing if not good sports. So we took Karlene and let her go in and hang with her friends. In a show of not cramping her style combined with the vain attempt of not being around any more 13 year olds, we went through the drive through, got our drinks and waited for Karlene to get tired which we knew would not take long because unlike the future Tasty's of the world, Karlene is a very tame girl and has a low threshold for excitement. We figured she had 20-30 minutes before she lapsed into a coma. Thank uppercase God she is a good kid. I was home a little before 11. Children, I have come to realize, annoy me. Most children anyway. I am quite thankful that my friends children have all amused me in some way, so the annoyance factor has never affected my relationship with my friends' kids, but other people's children? Yeah, they are no bueno. Loud, demanding little fucks is what I see. I am well on my way to being a stellar mother. No doubt.

So tomorrow, it is early mass and then back across the river (this is twice in 3 days if you are keeping track) to go walking with Karen at the park. I believe I will be bringing the Pooper with me and from there, we shall make the trek out to the beach in order for him to get some quality time with brackish water and to take a dump in the Gulf. It is not common knowledge but that is a damn good time in dog world. This is why he allows me to annoy him in the ways I have demonstrated on here and put clothes on him that any self respecting animal would have ripped my throat out for already. He is surely biding his time and will take me down in my sleep one night.

I think my brain is finally empty. I can now finish watching this movie, When A Stranger Calls (only my 15th time watching it), and get some much needed shut eye. Have a fab weekend.

What I do when I should be working

2007-02-09T09:21:00.001-05:00

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos
This came out a little dark, but here is the Pooper again.

Open letter to my mother

2007-02-08T18:30:00.000-05:00

Holy fucking hell woman, you piss me the fuck off. You are not fucking stupid. You are not fucking invalid. Get the fuck over yourself before I take you and your cat and leave you on a set of railroad tracks somewhere with a note pinned to your collar that says "Please take me in."

I am tired of you doing absolutely nothing. I am tired of you acting fucking stupid. I am so GOD DAMNED TIRED. Get up. Clean something. Empty something. Dust something. Why on God's green earth do I have to spell every fucking thing out for you. You have lived 60 some years on this planet. You were a fucking A student in school and very good at your job at one time. Do NOT give me this shit that "this is what happens when you age." You are not 90, for Christ's sake. Guess what? I have a job. I have enough to do. You handle a total of nothing. You pay the 3 bills or so that you get a month without me hounding you but that is IT. I have to take care of everything. I understand that you don't drive. I understand that you rely on me and hubs to get you to the doctor or where ever. But when you bitch to me about your neurologist and then refuse to change from him or refuse to be proactive in any way shape or form, my sympathy goes bye bye.

The next time you accuse me of being anal or of being picky, well, fuck woman, I wonder why? It is either do shit right the first time and realize how much easier life is or do shit your way and bitch the whole fucking time because heaven for-goddamned-bid you had to get off the computer and still have the shit be WRONG. I am not the parent here. I don't want to parent my own mother. It would be one thing if your bullshit was a necessary thing - was literally a medical necessity - but it is not. So get the fuck over yourself. And if you don't go on vacay soon to see the fam, I swear to uppercase GOD that I will just drive you to the airport and leave you there. I need a fucking BREAK.

I am not sure what about this story pisses me off the most

2007-02-08T16:27:00.000-05:00

Doctors Are Not Giving Advice or Care if it contradicts their beliefs

WTF? I'm sorry - do we live in Vatican City or what?

Snort

2007-02-08T14:55:00.000-05:00

How fucking hilarious is it that when I just went out to get the mail, there was an advertisement for $100 bucks off some gold toofers at a place called Slugs for Thugs and the offer is in honor of Black History Month?

Oh fuck, I can't breathe.....

So fucking tired

2007-02-08T00:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, I just spent the last 2 hours talking to the bitches and forgot to post so you get bullets.

*Dad is okay. No surgery so he is having more chemo mixed with radiation 5 days a week.
*That being said, I can go to the Blowout. I emailed the hubs to make sure he does not care (which I doubt he does) so unless some whacked out shit happens, I am off to Hoooooooston.
*Did I mention I am tired?
*Currently starting season 4 of the Sopranos. Is it sick that I find Tony Soprano hot in a fat, bald, revolting kind of way?
*Hubs got his apnea machine. God bless.
*I want to say a big thanks to the bitches who got me thru the last week or two with a personal issue. A few of those bitches went way above and beyond and for that I am beyond grateful. Thank you big bunch of hobags.
*Saw a shitload of movies this weekend - Prozac Nation, The Illusionist, The Hills Have Eyes......you decide which of those suck ass....
*It was 71 fucking degrees today. I had windows open bitches. Just when I decide living in this God forsaken place sucks, the weather busts out with that shit.
*Only a kagillion more weeks before I am done with Jesus classes and become all Catholic and shit. My soul best be thankful for this shit. All I'm sayin...
*I flat out forgot to pay two separate bills this month. Y'all - I am anal with this shit and two times in two days I realized "Holy shit, I did not pay that." Um, did the plethora of extra money not ring a bell? Oh wait, there was no extra money. Right. My bad.
*Hubs nad surgery is in a couple months. Soon I will be asking for you to pray or chant or whatever for good swimmers. No more shrinkage (as I asked for Dad's surgery). Shrinkage, in this case, would be BAD. Ya feel me?

OK, I must sleep. In less than 8 hours, the hubs will come home and the stupid brainless dog will explode with excitement in such a way that it will become necessary for him to vibrate my entire fucking bed. This of course occurs while Reba wraps herself around my head in a panic. Why...exactly.....do I want to add children to this mix?

Quick rant

2007-02-02T14:29:00.001-05:00

If this dog next door does not shut his pie hole and go back to sniffing asses the way God intended, it will be dog kebobs for dinner.

That's all I'm sayin.

A long overdue update and one very bad dog

2007-02-01T20:46:00.000-05:00

First off, this is my new purchase. I have mentioned on Lost In Suburbia's blog that I wanted a barn star a few times and I always have admired her decorating dealios she has going over there. So I found this guy on eBay last week or so. No, a few weeks actually. I think it is 36 inches across and that awesome burnt red color. I dig it.

What do you get when you cross this.....

......with this?

Answer: One very bad dog trotting down the hall carrying my STEELERS BEAR like it is his newest acquisition? Little fucker. I would string him up but he has no balls.

So anyway, my life. Yes, my life. Well, it's been okay. I have discovered the joys of talking to the bitches online. That, right there, is big fun. I have also been talking to Pissy via email while we both work and that hag took today off and I had to be all productive and shit. Bitch. Then, there is Tracy, aka Fuzzball, who cracks my shit up on the regular. I gotta say, you nutty ass bitches keep me sane.

OK, not sane.

Um, not homicidal. Let's go with that one. That is more truthful.

Today was Dad's final PET scan. Now we wait like 5-7 days to get the results. So again, think shrinkage, internets. Or maybe gone. How about gone? I like gone. Shoot for the stars, bitches. Personally if I could go in there and rip the tumors out myself I would.

Let's not even discuss what a skanky whore blogger was being today. Dude, what the fuck? How am I supposed to pass the time when I take breaks from listening to doctors drone on and on when I can't comment on blogs? On the same day Pissy deserts me because of a little snow. Pfffft.

Oh, and I have a cold. Nothing major. But from the neck up, it is Snotfest 2007. Nothing is funnier than having a sneeze sneak up on you and you let loose with such force that you scare the dog who is under the bed behind you and you hear his head make a very telltale clunk noise hitting the bed frame when he jumped from the noise. It is becoming more and more clear just where all his brain cells went.

I know it looks like he has been hitting the doobage and THAT is the reason for the brain cells jumping ship at such a rapid pace, but it is the constant blunt head trauma, I assure you. Nary a surface is safe - coffee tables, corners of walls, door jambs, and now bed frames. They all have dents from his melon making contact.

I blew off class last night due to feeling like ass. Could I have made it? Sure. I was not dying. I just was tired and felt ick-tastic and just did not want to bother. I'm sure God will get over it. He has bigger things to deal with. Like assholes. There are a lot of assholes in this world. He needs to smite them.

And SMITE THEM HARD.

Sorry, I digress. I had a very active evening of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. Plus of course my Y&R that I can tape now due to DVR. I will just spare you all the week long saga of my DirecTV vs. cable nightmare, but suffice it to say, I now have cable and DirecTV can kiss my lily white ass. Surprisingly enough, I am very calm and polite in dealing with customer service people and tech peeps on the phone because really, it is not their fault that the company they work for are direct descendants of the devil so why be an asshat to them? However, we are now involved in a billing dispute due to us supposedly breaking a contract. I will go and personally style Camel Toe Annie's hair before any of those cocksuckers see a dime of my hard earned cash. Booooooyah.

I have been taking craptastic care of myself lately. I gotta snap out of it and realize that this really bizarre, half curly, half straight hairdo I got going just is probably not the look for me. However, when I exit the shower with wet hair, do not take the time to blow it dry and then straighten it, and then pull the top half back, the normal curls and ponytail bump make it into some nightmare that Belinda Carlisle probably wore in about 1986. In other words, Kami would FUG my ass soon as look at me. It's no bueno, y'all. Starting tomorrow, I give a shit again.

Or Monday. Whatever.

So that is really all that has been going on. All is quiet on the homefront. I have not killed the dog yet. Despite his best efforts. Just keep the dad in your prayers or chants or whatever the fuck each of y'all do. Slaughter a sheep for him. I could not give a shit less. Do what you gotta do.

I'm out.

If this does not make you cry, you have ice in your veins

2007-02-01T17:38:00.000-05:00

64-year-old man sings on "Idol" as a tribute to wife

I promise to do a real post later.

Some things never change

2007-01-29T20:06:00.000-05:00

You know, I used to think that you really shouldn't judge people on their past actions. I mean, I've done some fucked up shit in my day. Who hasn't?

However, I have also heard that the best predicter of future behavior is past behavior.

Yep, well consider that lesson LEARNED.

Open letter to Camel Toe Annie

2007-01-26T12:53:00.000-05:00

Dear CTA:

Ya know, you amuse me. I almost snorted this morning when the hubs said you called regarding the check I gave you for the boy's medication. (Because, yes, internets - we pay for that as well.) While it was very kind of you to school the hubs in my mistake of putting one amt. in the box part and one amt in the written out part that shorted you $2, I have a hard time believing that you called in an effort to be nice so that my tiny itty bitty brain did not get so confused as to why the check cleared for the wrong amount. If you were really so worried about my checkbook activities being balanced, why would you hold on to 3 child support checks at a time before making a deposit? (Oh yes, bitches, you read that right. But she NEEDS the money, right? Puleeeeeeze.) Your explanation of holding them until you pay bills once a month does not wash either. Because 3 child support payments is 6 weeks time, sister. Wait, let me break it down for you. We pay every two weeks. Two weeks times 3 checks equals six weeks. (I had to do that, y'all. This is a woman who needed a tutor to take a general knowledge test to be a teacher's aide.) So please, save the explanation. The less I hear about you, the better. And also, don't worry about my checkbook. It is JUST FINE.

Oh, and PS - tight shorts? Yeah, they are done. So is the Farrah hair and one line of black eyeliner when you try to do yourself up. Oh, and the ugly purses. Really, I could go on an on.

Signed,
SFG aka The Bitch Currently Married to the Love of Your Life.

SPF - My buddy

2007-01-25T20:41:00.000-05:00

Kristine is having a bad day because the cute baby left her high and dry. So she wants to see our buddy. Funnily enough, one of the Pooper's nickname besides, well, Pooper, is Buddy or Bud. He responds to pretty much whatever. Provided I have food in my hand at the time. So here he is - in all his glory.

I really really really love my daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddy.

Um, I'm napping here....leave me be.

'Allo, mama!

Can I have a tater? Piece of meat? SOMETHING?

Me and my buddy - taking a little lay down during the games this last Sunday.

Happy SPF and go show Kristine some love since she is a sad girl today.

You know what - shut it.

2007-01-22T23:03:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm pissed the fuck off. I am really growing weary of this shit y'all. Anybody who knows me even a little - even in this very limited way through thig blog knows how disgusted I was by people's responses to the hurricane. It truly brought out the absolute worst in many of the citizens that I am now forced to live around. It digusted me. It made me embarassed to say where I lived. I felt the need to say "Well, yeah, I'm right outside of NO, but really it's across the river - a whole other world" because I was HORRIFIED when I saw those fucktards carrying tvs down Canal Street (to plug into WHAT was the mystery) and the asshats with 40 pairs of Nikes.

But you know what, bitches?

None of y'all lived here. None of y'all lived through this. So when I get emails from FAMILY MEMBERS outlining how horrible the citizens of NO are because we dared ask for help from the federal government for the LARGEST CATASTROPHE TO HAPPEN ON US SOIL EVER and some fucking middle state never asked for a dime from a snow storm, I get a little fucking pissed off. The damage to my house was MINIMAL. I am talking a drop in the fucking bucket. I was home in a month. My very small part of distress during this time is nothing compared to what a lot of nice, gainfully employed, amply insured people had to deal with. I never had to live in a FEMA trailer. I never had to rip sheetrock out of my house due to mold. However, I did have to leave my husband. For 36 hours, I did not know if he was ok. I did not know if the looters I saw on TV trying to come to my side of the river had gotten to our town. I did not know if he was alive. When I came home, part of me was so thankful to be here. So thankful that my home that I had just purchased was here and standing and okay. I was so grateful that my life could get back to normal. But it didn't. It never really got back to normal. There are parts of the city I won't go to. I have avoided going to the beach in MS because to do that, I have to pass by NO East and see what I have yet to see because I know I won't be able to deal. My only way to handle that these people lost everything is to just not look.

It's hard to feel like this. To be so angry at those people who made the rest of us look so awful. To know that they are the minority. They truly are. Do you people have any fucking idea how to this fucking day, insurance companies are fucking over people? Right now. What is it - 18 months later? WHAT. THE. FUCK? I won't even go into the fact that people STILL who managed to extract money from their insurance companies still can't really do much because they don't know what the maps from the government will say as to whether they have to raise their house or not. Or if the levees will hold WHICH ARE STILL NOT DONE.

No, I'm not kidding. They are still not ready. Oh and please if anyone has the fucking nads to say to me "Well, NO is below sea level - you live in a soup bowl - you gotta realize there is a chance of this."

FUCK.
YOU.

Tell that shit to people in San Francisco. Well, you know, SF, y'all live on a big ass fault line. Maybe you should move because if those tectonic plates move the wrong way, your ass is gone. Oh, and all the trailer parks smack dab in the tornado corridor? Yeah, y'all gotta go too.

I just don't want to hear it anymore, ok? So please, people, the next time you get one of those ignorant ass emails, think to yourself briefly before hitting the forward button (because I know you will - who doesn't like to pass judgment - me included...) think for a brief second - "You know what, I don't live there. I never once experienced anything as harrowing or life changing as that. Perhaps I should reign in my judgment for a day and see if I still feel like forwarding on this piece of shit tomorrow." Do it for me ok? Do it for a girl that got off like a fucking bandit during this hurricane. I was a lucky one, y'all. And it still pisses me the fuck OFF.

Sittin and waitin and watchin

2007-01-21T12:50:00.000-05:00

Those are my plans today. Did the church thing already. Was supposed to meet Karen for a walk today in the park but the weather had other ideas. So I am chillin at home with the snoring hubs watching "When A Stranger Calls" before the game comes on. I have not said much about how well the Saints are doing because y'all bitches know I be a Steelers fan. Alas my poor boys had a rough go of it this year, but I'd still dry hump Old Man Rooney himself (the owner) for season tickets. So I sit and watch this cool ass movie waiting on the game. The city seems to have really needed this. This team has never made it this far - EVER. People here are all pumped and shit. It's cool to see even though these very same people are so quick to call each and every team member a giant steaming pile of dog shit in the years that they sucked ass. Nothing like fair weather fans.

It rained here pretty hard but now seems content to just be gray and dreary and funky. I'm down with that. Good napping weather. As evidenced by the snoring mass to my left. I am not doing much more than reading and sneaking glances at the TV. Even though I am not keeping a formal track of what I read this year, I have two down already - currently on the third.

I don't have much going on right now, but I have a couple posts lolling about in my brain that I have to work the kinks out of, but for now, this is what you get. Try not to nap through it.

The Hormone roller coaster of an emotional neurotic

2007-01-18T20:33:00.000-05:00

It's been a relatively ho hum week with not much to report. As you all know, I have no life so unless I sit here and go into great detail of the horror that is American Idol, there ain't much to say. I don't guess we are doing SPF this week, so that's one thing to cross off my incredibly short list.

Last night I did have my class up at church though. It was on marriage and what the church views marriage as and what its importance is. Now y'all know that I had many reservations about starting this whole RCIA process months ago and until now, I have been pleasantly surprised at the lack of judgment I have encountered.

Yeah, until last night.

Duuuuuuude, what the fuck? I was hardly surprised when they made a big stink about a marriage being between one man and one woman because you would pretty much have to be clueless to not know that most religions feel that way. I happen to disagree, but que sera, sera. I did not get my big granny panties in a wad until we watched the video. We watch these videos of this man whose very voice makes my teeth hurt. He launches into the marriage debate going through the whys and wherefores of everything we had pretty much covered. However, he used the following illustration of why exactly it (it being marriage) needed to be between one man and one woman. I am using quote marks here but this is not a direct word for word summation. However, the very last part is verbatim.

"Well, you see, men and women are physiologically different. Now, I am probably going to get in trouble with some of the feminists here (insert self deprecating chuckle here) but that is just the way it is. We need each other to counterbalance parts of ourselves. We make each other whole. I mean, imagine a world of all men. It would be barbaric with very little feeling or emotion behind any of the decisions being made. And women need men because without them to counterbalance their delicate constitutions, they would all be emotional neurotics."

Blink.

Blink blink.

Dude, really? You seriously said that? Before I could even control my outward reaction, I literally laughed so hard that I snorted. I'm sure the hubs was horrified that his feminazi wife just snorted at a priest whether he was on video tape or not. But I did. And I would again.

Emotional neurotic, padre? Oh, you have NO idea.

However, until you (a) can touch boobies, (b) can do the hibbidy bibbidy to the body attached to said boobies, (c) entertain the notion of marrying the body with the boobies, and finally (d) leave this earth with your face buried between those same boobies, do NOT talk to me about the physiology of a woman. You don't live with us. You can never understand the inner workings of the female mind. Hell, my hubs does live with one of those aforementioned emotional neurotics and HE does not have a damn clue. I give mad props for those men who do enter the priesthood because to do so is a sacrifice that I could never begin to understand. However, know your place. You are NOT a psychologist. You are not even a marriage counselor, dude. I realize that the church recommends and even requires, I believe, marriage counselling given by a priest and I call bullshit on that one. That would be like me giving advice on how to be a size 2 or how to not go ape shit in traffic.

I won't even go into the part where Fr. New Guy said that in the midst of premarital counselling, if the couple indicated that they would exclude children as part of their family throughout the course of their marriage, that would raise a "serious red flag." Yeah, that is another story for another time. The hole in my tongue from me biting down like an epileptic mid-seizure is a big one, my friends.

All of that being said, I am not so discouraged that I will stop going. I am totally okay with disagreeing with church doctrine and even with my own parish priest. This is a journey for me - I get that. I am just trying to find my own voice in all of this. Maybe I will be good for these people. I seemed to be the only one who was a little put off from the marriage chat. Maybe I can make someone see that gay people are not all freaks who "chose their deviant lifestyle." Maybe someone will agree that the choice of having or not having children is a distinctly personal one made between a husband and wife with the church staying the fuck out of it. Or maybe one day in class I will snort too loudly and they will try to exorcise out my demons.

Good luck on that one, I say. Those bitches run deep.

Me and Idol - We are BFFs

2007-01-16T21:43:00.000-05:00

I swear to God, some fat bleached blonde bitch just said this on national fucking television. This was right after some guy juggled while he sang and then had a fucking shit attack outside after he was rejected for singing worse than William Hung.

Oh man, if you could see Simon's face right now.....Fat Blonde is really trying to bring it. Dude, she has 2 inch roots and 4 chins.

Oh, and I have no words for the girl who sang like the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz.

I am only watching this as a favor to Pissy. I think she now owes me her kid.

However, in 16 short minutes, Real Housewives of Orange County is coming on and I fucking dig that show. I know it's shallow. I know the women are botoxed to within an inch of their lives, but holy shit, is it fab. I also watch the Hills so if you are going to rag on me for watching shit that is tailored to a 15 year old, just save it. Heard it, processed it, and I've let it go. I like what I like.

It was back to work today. I am not sure what the hell occurred from yesterday when I had shorts on to today when my feet froze and broke off when I ran the 20 feet from my front door to the mailbox, but holy hell. I don't envy you TX bitches with all that ice. This is more than enough. I do believe that northern Louisiana is getting hit with it now. They had to close a couple interstates for sure.

We had spaghetti, meatballs and garlic bread. Gage was quite transfixed...as evidenced by the following picture:

And yes, I let him eat it.

Waste of Space Monday - The Shrub

2007-01-14T22:34:00.000-05:00

Bush makes me tired

Ya know, the man just makes me tired. Just when I think he can not possibly be MORE arrogant and yet still MORE clueless, he does an interview on 60 Minutes (I KNOW I said I would not watch, but it's like a bad car wreck, ya know?) and reminds me that we as a nation voted this man in. No, I personally didn't. I'm sure a lot of y'all didn't either, but damn tons of y'all did and I just do not get it. This is not a question of political party. It is just not. My father, the most diehard Republican ever, has finally thrown in the towel. Even he had to concede that the man is a clueless, bumbling ass who for some unknown reason seems to think he is fucking brilliant. I imagine that being an advisor to him must be something akin to driving one's head into a wall repeatedly. A nail studded wall.

Just a brazen hussy is what she is.

2007-01-14T11:33:00.000-05:00

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos
And yes, her middle name is Lynn. Don't judge me.

Oh my.....

2007-01-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

Is this not the most beautiful bedding you have ever seen? I mean, it is fucking gorgeous. I know I just bought a new comforter. Shut UP. I know it does not match my room since my walls are light green. Shut UP. I KNOW that I have like 4 comforters for one bed somewhere in comforter bags all over this house.

Shut.
Up.

I gotta have this bed and all of its lovliness.

The only thing stopping me from driving to Baton Rouge and rubbing my boobies on this bedding is that Kohls will be closed by the time I get there.

Now if all of you could just email my husband and ask him to please repaint the bedroom in a tone that would compliment this comforter, I would be ever so grateful.

His address is: Livingwiththisbitchishell@cox.net.

Great, thanks.

Rant

2007-01-13T14:21:00.000-05:00

If Dr. Foreign Fuck does not stop his disgusting ass snorting in my ear to clear whatever sinus problem ails him, I am gonna fuck his world up.

Oh, and PS - your accent is making my life hell. Just sayin.

Um, I'm ready to be off today.

UPDATED TO ADD: I am currently in the midst of a report in which a 100 year old black lady has a history of chewing tobacco. There is so much wrong with that - I am not sure where to begin.

Swonderful......smarvelous....

2007-01-12T13:23:00.000-05:00

Nothing brings a smile to this hookah's face quite like the conversation candy hearts at Valentine's day. I do believe I'll probably ingest this entire bag today. Well, at least until my tongue turns to chalk dust and then promptly disintegrates.

***Scroll down for SPF and De-Lurking Week.***

Stuff Portait Friday from the Land of Snow and Cheese

2007-01-11T23:34:00.000-05:00

***EDITED TO ADD*** Apparently, it is, yet again, De-Lurking week, so send this bitch some love, okay? Especially if you have never said hi before and yet read. I get over 70 hits a day, so I know y'all are out there. Damn it. Say hi. Don't make me stab you in the neck. Now read my SPF.***

Yeah, you bitches know I love me some TKW (the girl just ain't right) so I am getting off my ass and doing me some SPF. Now shut it and sit down. Mama got her some mad PMS.

The SPF hijacker wants to see the following:

-A houseplant.
-Something we bitch about, but secretly love.
-Something gross

This plant was from my FIL's funeral. If y'all bitches really knew me, you would know it is nothing short of a miracle that it is still living. I have another one on top of my fridge too. Trips me right out.

Oh man, this shithead here. I love this dog. I really do. But sometimes, I could seriously take his head and squash it like a zit. He looks so stoned here. Don't tell Carrie.

Oh Brit. You bleached blonde train wreck you. This poor thing has truly become gross. I really think it might be too late for her.

Well, let me know if you played. I'll try to swing on by, bitches.

You asked, I answered and a quick PSA

2007-01-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

OK, I am in one hell of a mood today, so here are your answers plus a quick shout out to the man I live with and am legally bound to. Questions first. Oh, and I don't do the link thing because I am tired and don't wanna.

1. Cheeky asked: If you could meet one blogger, who would it be? Well, that's tough, but I'd have to say Pissy Britches, because the bitch makes me laugh and has yet to understand the beauty of football. I gotta go up there and school a bitch.
2. Shell asked: How many kids do you and the hubs want? After thinking about it, I am gonna go with one. If situations change and I end up being a Fertile Myrtle, then maybe 2, but no more than that. Those little bastards are 'spensive. And as for the gender, I go back and forth, but I think deep down I want a boy because what is damn funnier than a little boy? Nothing I say.
3. Patti-Cake asked: Gender question as well as what we want to name the poor kid that is bestowed upon us? Well, our choices are Jacob Martin (I love the name Jacob or Jake for short because that just so sounds like a little rough and tumble kid who comes in the house dirty nightly) and for a girl Emma Reese. I also have backups of Jackson for a boy and Julia for a girl. I guess I'll have to see the little spawn first.
4. JD's Rose asked: What is your most treasured item and why? That is tough because I don't know that I have a material thing that is truly that special to me. If I had to pick something, I guess all the pictures I have amassed thru the years.
5. Pissy asked: Have the hubs tell us a good firefighter story. Well, I totally forgot to ask him but I have kind of a scary one. He was in a house fire and apparently, when he went into a room, he got sorta disoriented because, hi, you can't see. The bell went off indicating that his air tank was getting low and he realized he needed to find the door quick. He was feeling down a wall and started to panic but eventually found a window and busted it out. His co-worker said he saw nothing but a big yellow blob come out that window. It's funny now, but that could have been no bueno.
6. Arlene asked: If you could buy any one thing what would it be? Incredibly easy. A house away from here.
7. Tammy asked: How tight are the ex's shorts? So tight I know what the bitch had for breakfast. Also wants to hear my most embarassing story. I don't embarass easily as an adult, so this goes way back to like 1st grade. We were all sitting on the floor I think listening to a story and then it was time for recess. My shoe was untied and I moved my leg to in front of me to tie my shoe and let out the most obnoxious fart EVER. In front of the boy that I liked and everything. Seriously, could have DIED.
8. Football widow asked: If you could live anywhere in the US, where would it be? The world? In the US, assuming I would not have to worry about hurricanes, I'd say the Outer Banks in North Carolina. In the world, that would be Italy, Venice specifically.
9. Toes in the Sand asked: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Well, I will give two answers, one physical and one personality. Physical - would be ever so lovely to have a metabolism to eat what I wanted because I so can eat like a damn man. As far as my personality, I take things way too personally and get my feelings hurt too easily.
10. Kami asked: Would you rather do Nick or the hot professor? For you sad souls who do not watch Y&R, I feel for you. Answer is the hot professor.
11. Carrie asked: Does it bother you to have an uneven number of pets and would you like me to bring you one from the shelter? I never thought about the uneven number. LOLOL. However, if I bring one animal into this house, Reba already told me she is outta here. She will saunter her fat fluffy butt across the bridge and be a hooker in the Quarter. She is OVER IT.
12. RPM asked: What is my fave restaurant in New Orleans? Well, it was the Houston's on St. Charles but it's gone now and became some weird ass restaurant owned by the same peeps.
13. Sarcasm Queen asked: Doesn't Jack just turn you on a little? I assume she is speaking of Jack from Y&R because other than that, my life is Jack-less. And no. I think he is amusing as hell and he cracks me up, but I so do not find him sexy.

PSA time to the hubs:

If you come home in the same piss poor mood that you were in last night, I swear to Gawd that I will fucking kick you in the face. I am tired of you making faces at me when I ask you to do something. Just fucking do it and shut the fuck up about it. And if you do not stop pouting like a fucking 4 year old, I will smother you in your sleep. With Reba's fluffy ass. Not a good way to go, my friend. Are we clear? Good. Now snap the fuck out of it.

I guess Katrina just was not enough, huh?

2007-01-09T00:19:00.000-05:00

Please scroll down and submit question, bitches.

href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070108/ap_on_sc/brf_africanized_bees">Killer Bees tracked near New Orleans

Yeah I got nuthin'

2007-01-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

I have had a relatively nice weekend, but today I am in a major funk today, so I am jumping on the bandwagon and doing the question and answer thing. Ask me whatever adn you have a decent shot at getting an honest answer. I'll leave this up for a couple days, so go ahead. Whatever you wanna know, bitches.

Batten down the hatches, boys, SFG done leaped head first into the 21st century.

2007-01-05T21:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, people, I have given the green light....the go ahead, if you will....for the hubs to get DVR. Before you gasp, but how, HOW have you lived up until now with there being hour upon hour of TV that is flying by with nary a glance from me, let me just point out that I have no life, people. I am at home a LOT. So really, there ain't a whole lot that is getting by me. The only thing I miss is the most perfect show on the planet, Young and the Restless, but clearly God loves me because satellite has a wonderful channel called Soapnet. Ah, the beauty of Soapnet means that Y&R is replayed right at the moment I clock out, 6 PM. I always knew God loved him a good story. The hubs convinced me that we needed DVR. HAD. TO. HAVE. DVR. After watching him twitch and subsequently bang himself head first into the wall for a few months, I actually gave the thumbs up. Oh, and don't give me any shit about holding tight purse strings. You bet your fucking ass I do. Hubs has to submit a written form in triplicate if that bitch wants to buy so much as a piece of chewing gum. Then again, he has his own back account that I have no access to and see none of the cash from. Well, no wonder my ass hurts. Hmmmmm.....anyway, we have DVR as of January 22, 2007 - the first Monday they were available to come out. In addition to DVR, in order to save the whopping 5.99 a month in fees, the hubs talked me into purchasing the plan from the satellite company that will give us every single channel known to man. All the movie channels, all the sports crap, all of it. Guess why we got it? Well, there is some damn SEC shitten station that plays like LSU throwing the shotput or competing in distance spitting and the hubs must see it. He has to see it. For the love of fucking God, he must see LSU compete in midget bowling. So fine. We bought the 80 kagillion dollar package so he can because as he pointed out to me, if we have the mega package, we save 5.99 each month because they won't charge us for the DVR? Well, who the fuck am I to argue with that logic?

In other news, it is another fabulously exciting evening in the Casa De SFG. It's me, the mother, 2 cats, and a dog rabidly slobbering all over the largest chewy rawhide deal known to man. It is shaped like a candy cane but the damn thing is so big that when the hubs brought it home, he looked like a really tall Little Bo Peep with a hormone problem. It's that big. Now that the Pooper realized that it is not going to eat him whole, he has started in on it and woe be the poor cat who comes within a 10 feet radius of him whilst he gnaws. Basically, back off bitches.

I am hoping that I am able to blow into Houston in April for the next Blog Blowout, but as I have told the bitches, it all depends on the Dad. He has one more treatment in a week. Then 3 weeks after that, another PET scan, then one week for results. It will be at that point that we know whether he gets surgery or not. If he does, then I won't be here to attend a blowout. I will be in Phoenix asking my dad things like "Want some water? You need water. How about a cookie? Do you have to poop? Wanna poop? Let's go poop." So in a way, I hope to miss this blowout because it will mean pops is on the mend, but I sure do wanna meet y'all crazy ass bitches.

As I mentioned in my last post, Cowher retired today. Just made me sad. I heart him to pieces. I read the transcript from his press conference today and I actually got teary. Is that normal? The same thing happened when I walked into the room full of busts in the Football Hall of Fame in Canton. I was like overwhelmed because right there, like 2 feet away, was Franco Harris's face. I could like touch it and rub my boobs on it and shit. Not that I did of course. What? Shut up.

One more day of work tomorrow and then on Sunday, we are taking my niece out to eat and either to see a movie or go shopping. Her birthday was yesterday so we want to spend the day with her. Should be fun. I enjoy hanging out with her and her sister. Monday I don't have much to do except for steam clean the carpet. Isn't my life just beyond the scope of exciting? I know, try not to hate me too much.

It is the end of an era and this makes my heart hurt a little.

2007-01-04T20:37:00.000-05:00

Steelers to reveal Cowher's future tomorrow

I'm gonna miss that giant chin.

Message to the Big Guy

2007-01-04T14:20:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

Thanks for delivering my Gwen CD today. That made me mucho happy-o.

Where is my rain? I was promised rain. Give me rain, damn it.

Can you please tell Tupac across the street that I am thiiiis close to going batshit crazy on his ass?

Can you also please rev up whatever process is holding up the moving out of my asshat neighbors?

Can you please scrape ten pounds off my ass? Both sides?

Can you please tell doctors that nothing grosses me the fuck out like listening to someone chew and that if this chick does not take out the hard candy that she is so joyfully sucking on (some guys should be so lucky), then I am gonna drive to this hospital in another state and stab her in the neck?

Make it 15 pounds, ok? Each side? I'm not joking.

Great, thanks. Peace.

Tired and gross

2007-01-02T23:07:00.000-05:00

Well, like others during this time of year, I am making a concerted effort to take better care of myself. Of course, this is reflected in dropping some weight but really in all senses of the word. I need to make sure I take time for myself because when I don't get alone time, it ain't pretty. My mom has been driving me batshit crazy and I totally see me buying her a ticket to go up North for a while. Thankfully the hubs understands that I need some time to myself and does not get offended when I am all too happy to boot his ass out of the house on days he works. I'm sure a lot of peeps would think I am one rude ass bitch, but I know what my needs are and that is for sure one of them.

The hubs and I have started having these wonderful smoothies in the mornings. Frozen fruit (mixed varieties, strawberries, raspberries, etc) with some Tropicana orange juice that is 50% less sugar (tastes fab especially if you are not big on pulp) and that's it. Blend it up with a 2 tsp. flaxseed oil and you have a very healthy and surprisingly filling smoothie. I was a bit wary thinking that I'd be trolling through the fridge within an hour but so far, I seem to be pretty satisfied for a good few hours. I also purchased the You on a Diet book. I like what I have seen of Dr. Oz when he is on Oprah because he is not just about being skinny. Like he said, "Well, if all you want is to lose weight, then yeah, drink all the diet drinks and smoke cigarettes and you will drop weight." He wants us to be healthy, get our fiber, eat some veggies, don't go fucking crazy if we eat a piece of cake. Just find a good way to live your life and the weight will fall off if you also move around a little bit. My goal is bigger than I just don't like how I look. Unless you have never read this ever, then you know that by this time next year I really want to be a walking incubator and why on earth would I want my kid to have to dwell for 40 long weeks in a place that is not the best place for him/her/it? I am trying to keep that in mind when the pizza and Cheez-Its call my name.

I don't have much to report. Just back to work and back to a normal schedule. Not much on the agenda for this week other than my step daughter's birthday as well as my niece's birthday - both on the same day. I know - just got through Christmas and more birthdays. Hooooo boy, y'all are KILLING ME.

All is quiet on the homefront. The hubs is finally home tomorrow after 4 days at the station. I know - ridiculous, right? He has to snap that OT up when it comes though. Bills ain't gonna pay themselves, ya feel me?

OK, I am off to bed. It's 10:20 which makes it past my bedtime. Later bitches. I promise to have something excited to report tomorrow. Maybe.

My New Year's

2007-01-01T19:46:00.000-05:00

***Edited to add***
I just heard the most hilarious joke EVER on the Sopranos.

A Chinaman goes to the eye doctor. The doctor says "I know what your problem is." Chinaman said "Well, what is it?" Doctor says "You have a cataract." Chinaman says "No, I drive a Rincoln Continental." I officially can't breathe.

Last night the hubs and I went to our friends house and basically chilled out with them all evening. Their extended fam came over shortly before midnight to ring in the new year and to set off a shitten ton of fireworks. Yes, they are illegal here and no, that does not seem to stop anyone. It was a nice night in that the extended fam was actually polite to me which was somewhat shocking. Yet another set of peeps that I have put off in a way that I am not aware of. I have fantastic abilities in that way.

Today I got up late and then spent the bulk of the day trying to clean this house up. Took all the Christmas stuff down and put it all away. That was like such the fucking ordeal. I ran out of totes because two of them are now filled with my autumn decor, so I ran out and got 3 more due to the loss of the first two and then just having more stuff this year. I could probably still stand to have one more. Craziness.

Will be a nice quiet night with the first disk of the second season of the Sopranos. Yeah!!! Back to work tomorrow, though. Boo.

Happy fucking new year and why I heart Pissy so damn much

2006-12-31T16:00:00.000-05:00

OK, first things first - if you are toooooopid and don't know and love she who is named Pissy Britches, wander to that list over there ---------------> and click on that link and read today's post. I fucking love that HAB - all I can say on that. Made me laugh so hard I almost did the diet Coke nose squirt and began to wheeze. That's good readin' right there.

So I finally met my girl Karen for her birthday lunch. I gave her her gift and we enjoyed a nice gossip filled lunch. When I say gossip, I mean about entertainment crap mainly but we do still know a ton of the same people even though we don't work together, so we cover that. Girl cracks my shit right up.

Tonight I am going to some friends' house for New Year's. The hubs works but he can at least come over in the fire truck for a while. Can't drink though. The fire dept sorta frowns on lit up firemen. Go figure. However, they live only one street over so this bitch bought her some premade margaritas - 2 gigantic bottles - because my dumb ass can stumble home if need be. Might find me in a gutter 4 houses down, but whatever.

Well I do believe after I finish watching this Steelers game, I shall nap briefly, or not so briefly. Whatever. You all have a fantastic new year's. Be safe. Don't drink and drive. Have a 'rita on me, bitches. Latah.

Crap in my brain

2006-12-30T13:17:00.000-05:00

Well, as I sit here in my little office/spare bedroom watching the weather rapidly turn from bad to worse, I am so happy that I am cozy in my house on this icky weather day. True, I am working but hey, small price to pay for never having to commute in inclement weather ever again. I no mind.

As you have probably heard, there is a vote going on over at Celebrating Women for Blog of the Year. I have not a shot in hell of winning and that is totally okay with me. I am not nearly as popular or as good of a writer as many of the blogs over there (speaking of which I think TKW should so have been a contender being that she is a damn funny ass woman), so I am not going to worry too much about it. I was really touched when they made me Blog of the Month. Shocked the crap right outta me is what that did. So if you really think that among all those pretty damn good contenders, I am the best one, well, thanks and you are welcome to vote. I already made my vote and I do believe this girl is one funny chica. I also only plan to vote once. I guess you can vote more than that, but I am not sure why I would do that unless I just voted for the same girl over and over. I don't want to like cancel out my initial vote by like spreading them out. Does that make sense?

So Saddam is dead. I am not sure how I feel about that. Do I think he was a monster? Um, yeah. Mentally disturbed really. Which is what leads me to the current ambivalence. Did we (and I say we not knowing who actually hung him) kill a man who had like a mental imbalance? I am certainly not trying to undermine the disgusting way he tortured and murdered tons of people and the Draconian methods with which he maintained his rule. Certainly not. I am also not someone who has a problem with the death penalty. That is one of the few things my father and I agree upon. Certain individuals can NOT and will NOT be rehabilitated, no matter what. However, when the evidence begins to swing in the way of mental imbalance, then I am not sure how I feel. That of course brings on the question of "Well, if one's imbalance provokes one to slaughter innocent people doesn't that sorta override any issue one would have with offing the twisted fuck?" I guess it does, huh? I used to be very cut and dry, very black and white about these things and as I have gotten older and I hope a little more compassionate and wiser (those things are not mutually exclusive) I am realizing how many shades of gray there are and all the things I thought I had clear opinions on are not as clear anymore.

A lot will happen this year and a lot of things I am hoping to happen. I will be baptized and take communion at church. My hubs will undergo surgery to correct his vasectomy. Hopefully this time next year, I will be bitching and whining and moaning about how I am clearly the only pregnant girl in the world to be THAT uncomfortable. The state of my dad's health will be determined. I hope that I change some as well. I hope that I continue to not hold grudges the way that has been my habit. I am very slowly getting better but I have ooooooodles of a way to go as well. I hope that my job continues to be something that I actually like doing. I hope that I continue to not lose sight of what really matters. I hope that my new niece continues to grow and be healthy and a happy little grunter. I hope that I have enough love for myself that I will not continue to abuse my body in the way that has become such a habit in the last 33 years.

I got an email yesterday that made me sad. Y'all remember a while back that I wrote of getting an email from my ex-boyfriend that he was getting married? If not, let me refresh. Basically he wrote to tell me and it struck me as odd and really pathetic that he never once said anything about this girl as a person. He never said how happy he was. He never once said "Holy shit, I am so excited." He wrote about where he was getting married and how much stuff they had accumulated between the two of them. He then emailed me yesterday to see how our Xmas was and to wish me a Happy New Year. I responded regarding Christmas and New Year's and asked him how his first Christmas as an old married man was. He said fine but that he wished he was single again. OK, ummmmm, he has been married for like, what, three minutes? I won't go into all the details of what his issues are with being married, but it makes me sad to see how much he has changed. I always had some issues with his being so very spoiled, but he was never this person. We correspond not terribly often and it is always sorta "Hi, how are things?" sorts of emails, but every now and then I will get a glimpse into the person he has become and it never fails to shock me. He is cold now. There is so obviously an emptiness in him or in his life that he has aggressively tried to fill with stuff, material crap. He is just not the person I remember at all and that bums me out because though we could not make things work, he was always such a good person and a genuinely nice guy. That person has been replaced by this.....I don't know.....other person. I am not sure what transpired from the time we broke up, through the years until now, but the effects are not pretty. In fact, they are quite pathetic. So I hope this year brings him some genuine happiness in whatever form that may be. Genuine - not in the form of a new gadget or outdoing someone he really can't stand. I will also say a prayer for his wife, because holy hell, she is gonna need it.

SPF - Bye bye 2006

2006-12-28T22:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I am finally getting my shit together to do SPF for the last one of 2006. I have been a slack ass SPFer so I beg Kristine's forgiveness. Now get the fuck out of the closet.

Something that will NOT be in my house come 2007. Fucking candy. I was going to take a picture of my ever expanding ass, but this is the reason behind the....well....behind, so there you have it. If the shit is in the house, I eat it. You do the math.

Something random and odd. This is a little plaque that sits right next to my front door. I try to remember this saying every day.

Seven of something. I love these wine glasses. My MIL gave them to me on the birthday that was the day before Katrina the Whore came. They match my kitchen and look fabby if I do say so myself.

So, come on, Kristine is a cool chick so do this one last SPF for 2006 and make a HAB happy. And let me know if you played.

I am so decorated OUT

2006-12-27T21:53:00.000-05:00

I promised to leave all my Christmas decor out for my aunt to come take a look at (because we both so get off on the decor stuff) but she is not coming until New Year's day. If I don't go batshit crazy by then with all this shit out, then I shall consider it a victory. I did begin to at least put away the crap that was scattered under the tree. However, all my new Christmas plateware the I got (Pfaltzgraff Winterberry - verrra verrra purty) has to be taken out of the boxes and then washed and put.......somewhere. The thought of that makes me tired bear. Seriously. I no wanna. And so there it sits. I am going to have to get my act together at some point I guess.

So now I am sitting here watching Never Been Kissed which is such a cute flick and one I can watch a million times and still enjoy. Wednesday nights suck ass for tv watching. What is that about?

I also spent my evening going through my wish list on Amazon buying stuff with a gift card given to me by my dad and step mom. Gotta love that. My new Gwen CD should be here quickly. :) I loves me some Gwen. Does the bitch EVER look bad? I mean seriously. Normally anyone wearing red lipstick at the freaking beach would look like a fucktard. Not her. Bitch pulled that shit right off. Unreal. I also got a book for work, some cool CDs that will remind me of high school, and a couple DVDs like American Psycho, one of the fabbest movies ever and the point where I realized Christian Bale is quite possibly the yummiest man on the planet.

OK, I have nothing useful to say, so I am outtie. Have a great night and enjoy the slower pace now.

The aftermath

2006-12-26T21:25:00.001-05:00

So the holiday is over. Obligations are over. Gifts are given. Incredibly uncomfortable family gatherings are done. I had a wonderful Christmas overall. The hubs worked but was off Christmas day which was so nice. We went to mass, came home and began on the presents. I got a lot of really great things. The hubs always does well. I am not a picky person and I tend to send him links of things over the entire year, ya know, in case he wants to shop for like Arbor Day. I also have a wish list on Amazon so really, it's hardly a mystery, ya know? However, he is a man and men can be stupid in that dept, so thankfully I got a bright one.

I did have to make a trip down to the mother in law's house which I was initially really pissed about because the hubs sorta backed me into it. It was sufficiently uncomfortable and neither of us spoke to the other. We both played this ridiculous game of acting like the other was not there and talking to everyone else in the room. Stupid, no? Bt it's over and I am glad for that. I don't plan on doing it again. Next year, I plan to do a pre-emptive strike and invite my sister in law here. If the MIL wants to act a fool, she will have to trek her ass to me this time.

The kids came over last night and it was probably the least uncomfortable that we had been together in a while. I hope this is a beginning. I am still not putting myself out there at all. They gotta come to me. If they do, great. If they don't, then I am not hurt. No big whoop.

Tomorrow is my uncle's birthday. He died in 1993. His daughter, my cousin Jen, and I are incredibly close. She is without a doubt one of my best friends. I hope she has a decent day tomorrow and can think of her dad without feeling like shit all day.

Speaking of dad's, mine had his treatment and he sounds GREAT. I don't know what is so different this time, but his strength is better, water intake is better, has an appeitite. It's amazing. He got to enjoy a nice visit with my brother, sister, BIL and their baby. I am so thankful for that. What a perfect Christmas present for all of us.

Merry Christmas and Book #59 - Admissions

2006-12-24T11:30:00.000-05:00

I got up this morning to go to mass. It was so pretty. All the poinsettias and the huge Nativity scene. Looked so nice. I love all that. I had wanted to go to Midnight Mass this evening, but I don't have anyone to go with me, so I am opting to go tomorrow morning when the hubs is back home. I hope next year I get to go.

Admissions is set in New York City. The book centers around the New York scene of trying to get one's child into the "right" school. There are 2 main characters who are also best friends - Helen, the mother of a girl, currently going into the admissions process and Sara, the director of admissions at the school where Helen's daughter currently attends. There is a lot of outside drama and a colorful cast of characters so I was pretty much sucked in right at the beginning. I read it fairly quickly - less than a week. I recommend it even if you just read it for comic value.

Well, the rest of my day will be baking pies, watching movies and watching the Steelers hopefully put an ass whoppin' to Baltimore. The last game they played was pretty damn ugly so let's hope my boys bring their A game. I doubt I have time to post later, so all of you please have a wonderful Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate. I hope all of your days are filled with laughter, thoughtful gifts, easy exchanges for the thoughtLESS gifts, no in law drama, and a magic fairy to come clean up the mess later.

A little bit of a funny

2006-12-23T12:26:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, hubs was home the bulk of the day and decided that he would go thru the Xmas cards we had received. I am back here working dilligently and he comes back with a stack and goes "Um, I don't know any of these people and who are these kids?" It was all you all. Is it strange that I don't find it at all odd that I was able to say: "Oh, that's Kami - we have bonded over the beauty that is Y&R." "Oh, that's Pissy (but I said her real name) and I do believe she is my long lost sister." and "Oh, that's Nicole - I heart her even though she posts never and I do plan to steal her girl child's name for my kid's middle name." And on and on through the stack.

See, to me, that is perfectly normal. I guess to other people that would seem odd considering I have laid eyes on a total of none of you all, but to be honest, you chicks out there in the blog world have been better friends to me than the bulk of the people I know in real life. I love that you let me get a small glimpse into your worlds and I am thankful for the advice and insight some of you have given to me about my world. It's helpful. It's fun.

So thanks, internets. Thanks for being there this past almost 2 years. Thanks for listening to me bitch and complain and moan and worry and cry and stress and stab people in necks. I hope that this next year brings me to meet a few of you all so I can truly say to the hubs "Oh, you remember her, right? That's my friend."

Ever so boooooooootiful

2006-12-22T15:09:00.000-05:00

I just received an early Christmas present. I ordered this just like 4 days ago with the understanding that I would more than likely not receive it until after the new year. I can't wait to put her on the bed and roll around in her cottony goodness.

Before you even ask:

-Yes, it has pink in it.
-Yes, my hubs does, indeed, sleep in the bed.
-No, he does not give a shit that there is pink covering him while he slumbers/snores.
-No, it would not make a shitten bit of difference if he did.
-Yes, it is quite similar to the one I have on there now.
-It was on clearance and I have been eyeballing it for like ohhhhh, 6 months or so, and I got a cool 60% off. Booooyah.

Not dead...

2006-12-21T20:42:00.000-05:00

OK, I am in a nicer mood since Monday. I was going through a really hellacious period of PMS and I'm way better now. Let's recap this week, shall we? Well, after 3 attempts, I finally gave blood to help out the Dad. I was not able to give him my actual blood because apparently all the planets have to align and a firecracker has to shoot out of my butt for that to occur, so I settled for blood replacement. Whatever. Just make sure my Pops does not get charged for friggin blood, ya heard?

Yesterday was uneventful for ME. The hubs, on the other hand, was called by Camel Toe Annie to go assist with their son who was about 2 seconds from getting arrested. Oh man, this shit just keeps getting better and better. I won't go into details, and thankfully it was not serious, but he was finger printed, booked along with his 3 juvie friends. According to the hubs, he is now grounded until this all is "settled." Now, let's see. Who will be around after Xmas break to make sure that he stays "grounded?" Um, no one. Yeah, let's see how far this goes. Far be it for me to critique (shut it) someone's parenting skills, but the hubs is in for a rude awakening. I won't "parent" like CTA. His stupid ass would have sat down in juvie over fucking night. I would not have ran down there like a bat outta hell to get his little illegal ass home.

Of course me saying all this and even worse, putting it in writing for tons (or 4 people) to read means I will undoubtedly have a child that commits his first felony by age 8.

I worked this week and I do believe that by the end of the week, the work load will drop off big time.

The hubs is going to go for a sleep study and will most likely be diagnosed with sleep apnea and have to wear a CPAP machine. And I will get to sleep sans ear plugs. Happy day.

Weather today sucked and made me want to nap.

I really have not much else to say.

***UPDATED TO ADD*** Perhaps I am still a tad emotional - Scrubs just made me cry.

Note to the world - get the FUCK

2006-12-18T15:21:00.000-05:00

I am in a mutha of a mood - partly due to hormones that are not normal because of my self induced (very stupid) hiatus from my BCPs and partly due to external influences. Allow me to share.

-To the stupid fucking asshats that create turn lanes where there are none, thereby blocking the rest of us from getting thru interesections - I am gonna stab you in the neck.
-To my hubs. I love you but let's face it. On a good day, you do what? 2 minutes of work a day? Normally that makes me happy because no smokey, no firey, no dangery, right? However, if I should HAPPEN to call during the aforementioned 2 minutes, do not talk to me in a dismissive tone like I am somehow annoying you, or I'll stab you in the neck.
-To the lady at the Blood Bank. I know it's not your fault that I apparently need to know the last time my dad took a crap in order to make sure he gets the blood I am going to donate for him, but perhaps putting this info on your website that I did consult to prepare myself would have been helpful. Do this, or I shall stab you in the neck.
-To the incredily annoying little 20 year old shit talking loud on her cell phone at the Q. I am not interested in how "oh my god, this weekend was sooooooo, like fun" for you, so shut it or, here is a nutso idea, HANG UP, or I'll stab you in the neck.
-To the lady in line in front of me at the Q. I know it is technically winter and should be cold thereby allowing some women to forego on some of the maintenance that we do in the summer, like regular pedicures, but if you bust out the flip flops, how about sanding your hooves before you don them and save the rest of our retinas from having that image burned into it them rest of the day, or I will stab you in the neck.
-While we are on the subject of pedis, to the tiny Asian people in the nail shop. Sorry, perhaps I am a tad backward but I feel weird having a man to whom I am not legally bound massaging my feet and legs in the middle of a pedi. So if I request a woman, please do not give me a look and then proceed to launch into your native tongue to your other manicurists. Granted I have no problem having a man look up my hoohah for a gyne exam but that is different. Once your male pedicurist has an MD, then he can give me the hands on foot care? Feel me?
-To you who shall not be named, do NOT send me a Christmas card. Just DON'T. Oh, and yeah, it was ripped up and immediately deposited in the trash. Sure as shit was. Do it again, and I'll stab you in the neck.
-Oh, again to the hubs. Next time I ask you to do something and you sell me the fuck OUT by not telling your fabulous family what the fuck we had decided we would do (well, I brought it up and you never said no, so that is agreeing by proxy) you are on your damn own. I am tired of you putting all this shit on me, dude. TIRED. OF. IT. Last time I checked, it was your psychotic step-mother who went all apeshit on me via email. Oh and don't say "I know, baby...but..." No, you DON'T KNOW. My family? They love you, are kind to you. Shit, they could fucking hate your guts for all I know, but if that's the case, they keep their fucking traps shut, the way they should. So do NOT tell me that you know and do NOT get angry at me for not wanting to have to go over there and play all nicey. I am not happy about it and yeah, frankly I am pissed at you for putting me in this position. Do it again and .......well, y'all know the rest.
-

Two reasons why I fucking LOVE this dog

2006-12-17T13:50:00.000-05:00

Mama, I could have a cookie? Please? Just one? Maybe 2....or 12. Whatever.

Waiting for him Daddy to come home. Every time he hears a door slam, the head pops up. This was immediately before he barked at the neighbor across the street that he sees 5 times a day. And yet still barks.

Post in bullet

2006-12-17T09:14:00.000-05:00

-Watching VH1's top 40 videos for 2006. I love me some Fergie. Ya know those girls who, no matter what they did (even if initially, it looked so dumb) they always somehow looked cool as hell? I think Fergie and Gwen Stefani were probably like that their entire lives.
-We had some friends over for dinner last night and had such a nice time. Our friend's daughter made a ham which was divine. Nice food, nice company, nice low key time - even if Dallas won. And is ANYONE shocked that T.O. spit in someone's face? I mean, really, wasn't it only a matter of time for that? I thought he had calmed down some, but I guess I spoke too soon.
-Brace y'allselves - I have NOTHING to do today. My house is clean (did it in anticipation of company), no lunch with Karen (she has to work) and I am not going to mass until this evening so that the hubs can come with. So it's me, some boys in black and gold and a book. I am so excited that I do not have to out in all this madness. God bless.
-I plan to call Pops today during the game. I miss him already even though I just left there a few weeks back.
-Mom is home from the hospital as of Thursday night. She is sore and tired a lot (Percocet will do that) but other than that, she's good.
-I had a dream about an ex-friend of mine last night. He and I used to work together and were such good friends and he sorta just dropped a lot of us who were really good friends to us and took care of him when he really needed it. I hope he is well, but I honestly have no clue where he even is. Sad.
-Found out from the friends last night that the horrible neighbors are not moving to a newly built house down the street but across the lake. Note to dipshit neighbors - Northshore peeps are way more conservative than here and will not deal with your trashy ways the way we have. I hope you have some KY because it ain't gonna be pretty for you all. Oh, and can you please move like tomorrow?
-I think I am FINALLY getting over some of my anger. There is still a shitten ton and a nice healthy dose of resentment in here, but I feel different. I am not sure what brought this on, but I am thankful for it because it was hurting no one but me. Wow, only 9 years it took. By the time I'm like 97, I should be aces.
-Remember how in Being Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston described Bobby digging in her ass as "black love?" Well, I do believe last night I reached new levels of kitty love. I was washing my face and I heard her jump up on the bathroom counter. Then the stench hit me. However, sometimes if he has just left a particularly rank deposit in the litter, her ass still smells even if she took care of biz cleanly. Alas, that was not the case. See, I put too much litter in her poop dome and therefore, Queen Fluffy Butt could not brace her chubby little body up high enough above the litter in order to deposit and then get out without making a mess. Poor thing had it all in her butt/back of leg hair. I mean, I doubt much was left in the litter. So what does a good mama do? Well, she cleans her daughters ass. And ass hair. She was NOT happy. However, she took it well overall. Poor thing. I think she might need a fanny trim. And Xanax.
-Gage and I just did full body stretches in tandem. How's that for being in sync with you pup?
-I desperately need a hair trim. My ends are just nothin' nice.
-I am giving the hubs an early Xmas present. I got him an LSU watch (yeah, I guess the big yellow helmet/mailbox was not enough) and he just broke his watch today so I agreed to cough up a gift early. Sucker say what?
-I have 2 movies to watch - Vanity Fair with Reese and Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic. I love Sarah so I imagine I'll pee myself for that one.
-Has everyone seen the iPod/Nike combo? That damn thing makes me wanna run almost. Almost.
-I got some of the cutest Xmas cards from the internets. Thanks to all who sent them. Loved them.
-So far, I am so digging this line up for the 40 best videos for 2006. I hope they release all these in 1 CD. That would save me some dollars. Of course, I already have Justin Timberlake, Fergie, Beyonce because having self control is so not me. It is only Xmas being like a week away that is keeping me from buying Gwen. The day it came out I had the shakes all day. Must. Have. The. Gwen. If I don't get it for Xmas, I will be out 12/26/06 purchasing it.
-Reba just hopped up on the arm of the sofa and wants to lay on the laptop so I guess all is forgiven. That is also a hint to get off here, so I'll listen since I violated my poor girl last night.

Peace...

***UPDATED TO ADD*** It's 11 AM and I am still in jammies. Hehehehehe....

Book #58 - Your Big Break by Johanna Edwards

2006-12-16T08:39:00.000-05:00

I read another book by this girl called The Next Big Thing and ended up loving it. To my knowledge, these are her only 2 books in print. This book was about a young girl who lived in Boston who was employed at a company called Your Big Break, Inc. The company specialized in being the middleman in doing the ugly business of dumping someone. They also would do letters of resignation and the like but mainly it was about dumping the extra baggage in the bed beside you. Doing the whole "It's not you, it's me..." thing. Life was going along grandly until the main character, whose name escapes me like always, has a meeting with a potential client who wants her to dump her most recent boyfriend, who happens to be our heroine's father. Her married father. Uh yeah. It spirals out of control from there but it is, despite the somewhat depressing parts, a really nice, fast, light read. Perfect for me, in other words. I highly recommend.

PS - I am so gonna be able to do 60 books by the new year. How cool is that?

PPS - And yes, that is the highlight of my day and yes, I am that much of a nerd. Shut it.

Just when I was all prepared to be pissy

2006-12-14T21:21:00.000-05:00

OK, the hubs really jacked my ass earlier tonight by doing what he does best - being a ball-less wonder. I had a post all composed in my head. And it was good. I would vent. Get it all out. Be the really nasty girl you know and love. Or at least tolerate.

Then I got a call. My step-mom called with PET scan results. Everything shrunk. Let me repeat that.

All of it. All the cancerous shit S.H.R.U.N.K.

The oncologist actually smiled. He was pleased. He did not expect it and quite frankly, I did not either. All of this time I had been preparing myself to be a half an orphan. I had literally had a dream where I was at his funeral with my brother sitting by me. It was so real.

Now, he goes in for more chemo. Two big major blasts - just like before. And then another PET scan. My step mom was going to wait for more treatment until after the holidays, but the oncologist was insistent that since this was going so well, then let's follow the momentum. Do it now. I wholeheartedly agree. I would so much rather my dad have one really crappy Christmas and maybe stick around for several more. If the PET scan he takes after these blasts shows more shrinkage, then he goes in for surgery. If that happens, then I go stay there for a while. I would love nothing more.

My daddy might live, y'all. I am gonna go cry for a little bit now.

Think shrinkage

2006-12-14T16:00:00.000-05:00

Not THAT kind. Y'all are sick, you know that?

Today, my dad has a doctor's appt to get a shot (not sure of what and it is a series but he can't remember how many in the series. I so love men.) and could possibly get some preliminary results of his most recent PET scan. This will tell the tale. Is he a surgical candidate (good news) or has the tumor/whore cancer not shrunk enough and thereby necessitates more chemo (whore, part deux) and then some radiation? We shall see. I hope he gets SOME sort of results today because I am not good at the waiting. That is shocking, no?

So do whatever it is that you all do and/or believe in. Pray, chant, slam the gris gris on the whore cancer, knock on wood, throw salt over shoulder, WHATEVER. I could not give a shit less. I will take whatever positive vibes I can get. I will wrap them up in a nice bow (Dad is big on presentation) and sit them on his lap and say "See, the internet is not just poker games, Dad. They loves them some you because I have told them some stories about you yelling up the stairs to me and Krista when you were lonely when Terrie was gone. I told them of your fixation (a somewhat unhealthy one) of Frank Sinatra. I told them of you singing Christmas caroles in the mall while forcing Krista and I to hold your hand when we were TEENAGERS. And, above all that, I told them that at some point, the hubs will knock me up and how empty it will all seem if you are not there to sing to my kid. How else am I to explain to them that my kid's lullaby of choice is inexplicably New York, New York without having you as a reference point? And more than that, they know how much I love you and for WHATEVER REASON some of them seem to like me and find me amusing, so they are sending all this just for you." To that, he will say, "Did they send a perfect Manhattan to go with?" He's charming that way.

Irked

2006-12-14T13:18:00.000-05:00

Man, I am just annoyed today by so many little things. I promise to do at least a bullet post later or one of Patti's famous PSAs.

Since I am stealing from Patti, I shall also steal from the Roundhouser and say "I hate people."

If I have not grossed y'all out before.....

2006-12-13T14:45:00.001-05:00

Can someone please explain in laychick's terms the anatomy of one's urethra that enables said urethra to allow said laychick to pee and have it shoot OUT THE SIDE OF THE TOILET between the lid and the bowl thereby pissing directly on said laychick's sweat pants/work uniform? Also, while at it, please explain why said horizontal pissing happens in (pardon the pun) fits and spurts and why one can go weeks, nay months, with no sideways pissing and then all in one day, have to change clothes 3 times?

This is all hypothetical, of course.

Holy crap!!!!

2006-12-13T13:22:00.000-05:00

Sad to say that Peter Boyle who played Frank on Everybody Loves Raymond died today at the age of 71. That show friggin cracks me up. I think Frank might just be my favorite character too. I love that he did not give 2 shits about being politically correct or appropriate or even sensitive like ever. He was what he was and that was funny.

I love that show because at one time, the hubs and I were planning to build a house on the back part of his father's land down in Lafitte, near the water. So that show would have been my damn life.

Talk about dodging a fucking bullet. A giant bullet right up the ass.

Hospital at the butt crack and quit pissing me OFF

2006-12-12T08:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I got the Momenator up to the hospital for her dewomanizing on time and she currently is loopy with anesthesia probably still waiting for the doc. I got her as far as I could then I came home to work. Oh, and she is not becoming a man - just having a hysterectomy - all the shit comes out. I was like "You'll do anything to lose weight, huh?"

Oh, and to my dear hubs, don't annoy me today. We actually have tomorrow evening off together for some fun naked time, mmmmkay? However, if you don't stop with the passive aggressive bullshit (no, it's fine if you don't do x, y, or z for me....it's ok.....insert big sigh here) I swear to God, I'll still have sex with you but you will wake up tomorrow morning with an ice pick in your neck. I am NOT in the mood.

We clear?

Book #57 - The Memory Keeper's Daughter and other shit

2006-12-11T21:58:00.000-05:00

I finally finished this book today. It was such a good book and really well written. Not sure why, other than my love of all things fluff, that it took me so long to get into, but it was always good. Basically the premise of the book is a doctor delivers his own twins in 1964, the boy is fine, the girl has Down's syndrome. He sends the daughter away to be put in an asylum with his nurse. The nurse can't bring herself to leave the girl in this cold place so she takes her and keeps her as her own child. The doctor tells his own wife that while there was twins, that the daughter died. It follows all of their lives over 25 years. Very good read. Run out and grab it.

Weekend was quiet. No lunch with Karen since she had to work early. I did some OT this weekend to help at work and make a few extra dollars. Christmas is nuts, no? As much as I try to keep my budget, I invariably go over. Oh well, God bless overtime, am I right?

Saturday I worked and then hung out here. I watched 3 really great movies this weekend. One was Heaven with Cate Blanchett, then The Man Who Cried with Cate again, Christina Ricci and Johnny Depp and then this afternoon I caught An Inconvenient Truth. Man, that movie was amazing. Horrific and scary and startling. Regardless of political affiliation or your like or dislike of Al Gore, I highly recommend each and every person see it. The facts can not be disputed. I will be making changes to how I live my life. Bet your ass on that.

I also took another trip to Kohls Friday night since they had a nightowl deal going on. Got a few things. Sunday, I went to mass, to Target, Sam's, Walgreens and then home. I did a couple hours of work. Relaxed in the afternoon and took a snooze. Today, the poop and I went to the vet for his semi-annual visit which included a blood test, a fecal test (ouch) and then a physical. He did spectacularly well. Won the vet over as per usual. He was terrified that I'd leave him. I would NEVER but I guess in his tiny canine brain, I could take off at any second. Poor thing. As if. Then I had a dentist appt. No cavities. Yeah! However, I gotta floss more. I have been a major slacker in that area. No one likes tooth chubs, ya heard?

Well, tomorrow I have to be up at 5:45 to take my mother to the hospital for a hysterectomy. It's nothing serious but she'll be an inpatient for a few days. The hubs is working so do you bitches know what that means? Yep, this bitch has the house to herself. And we all know what that means.

Naked laps around the perimeter of the house.

I think I just figured out why the neighbors are horrified by me.

Recent purchases and an announcement

2006-12-10T20:19:00.000-05:00

Two recent purchases:

Two very cute animals - please note the centerfold-esque postion of Queen Fluff Butt

ANNOUNCEMENT:
I am DONE with Christmas shopping and all the wrapping except for 1 present for the hubs. I also have all my cards done just waiting for stamps. Package for the parents is wrapped and ready to go and shall be picked up tomorrow.

Now let the bile flow with the hatred that I have 2 full weeks before the big day and I am DONE.

Um, what the FUCK?

2006-12-08T11:09:00.000-05:00

Did I not move away from the Burgh? HUH???? Didn't I? Ok, peeps, before you get all up in my face saying "Hey, hobag, you asked for this shit." Yeah, I did. I did not ask for ice. Never did the words, "Hey some ice would be nice on the ROADS."

Let's face facts - I have very little faith in the dipshits that I live around. These bitches can't handle a slight freeze let alone ice. On the roads. On which they drive. With no blinkers EVER. At 80 mph.

I started work a tad early today so my usual grocery trip to the Wally was at 6 AM. I went in, did my thang and was back out for 7 (seriously, ladies, if there is any way you can shop this early, I highly recommend. It's you and the floor buffer peeps. That's IT.) Anyway, I came out and there was this shit on my car. From far away, it looked like gel and I was fixin to let loose with some non-Catholic approved curse words and all that, but um, no. It was ice. Whatever moisture had been on my car had frozen in the hour I was in the Wally. Then I hear crunch, crunch. I am WALKING on ice. Then I proceeded to almost bust my ass, but that is SO not the point. Of course being that I live in the fucking South, of course I don't have a scraper in the car.

What has happened to me? I used to be a hearty girl. Cold weather - pshaw, as TKW would say. Just bundle me up and I'm good to go. I was whimpering like a little bitch putting my groceries in the trunk (after I busted thru the ice over the lock). My Burgh relatives would be so ashamed. No one tell my Dad what a pussy his daughter turned into.

I went to mass last night with the hubs because it was some sort of Mary day. Conception? Something like that. Celebration of her conception. So I genuflected my ass off then came home to see my boys play some cold ass football.

In slightly better news, did y'all see my boys wipe the slate with Cleveland? Granted, it was CLEVELAND, but man, it was almost embarassing. For them, I mean. Willie Parker broke a franchise record which was cool. I am glad he did not break Franco's record though. That would have made me a sad girl. I loves me some Franco.

That's Franco Harris for you poor poor souls that don't understand the beauty and poetry that is Steelers football.

Fucking heathens.

Outside lights

2006-12-06T22:12:00.000-05:00

UPDATED TO ADD: The hubs is well aware of the blown out lights already. His ass will be up there tomorrow. Damn friggin lights. (Holy shit, I sound like an old man)
href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9dj7nRKiMHE/RXeHBfs40UI/AAAAAAAAAAU/sBc7jfaGWyY/s1600-h/DSCF1793.JPG">
href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9dj7nRKiMHE/RXeG5vs40TI/AAAAAAAAAAM/M4WEmwJY5Wg/s1600-h/DSCF1794.JPG">
I am a big believer in simplicity. Less is sometimes more, ya feel me? My spiral trees look like they are multi colored, but they are white also. Not sure why they photographed like that.

Damn FUG pic is too dark. I hate that.

Nabisco should rule the world

2006-12-06T18:33:00.000-05:00

I feel like ass. Friggin planes and their germy after effects. I keep talking to hear myself because it sounds like an echo in my head and that's big fun. Can you say clogged ears? Makes doing my job a CINCH.

I am blowing off class tonight and even now, 13 weeks in, the Catholic guilt is getting me. Pathetic. Being that I am not yet Catholic, what does that make me? Catholicesque? Catholiclike? MiniCatholic?

The only thing making me feel better is Cheez-Its. However, they make me thirsty and I am out of water and I don't wanna get up. Therefore, my tongue feels like hairy and dry and gross.

Good news is that we got the Pooper's picture on our Xmas cards. Son of a BITCH if he is not the cutest damn thing ever. You all may think you have cute pets but unless he/she even bears the slightest resemblence to the King of all Poopers, then you would be so very wrong. I shall send them to whomever trusts me not to stalk them in emailing me your address. If not, I will most likely scan the bad boy and put his Santa cloaked ass right here on the net. Currently he is sitting just to the right of me staring at me because he has dog senses and he KNOWS that there is one Cheez-It left in this bowl.

Should I give it to him?

Book #56 - The Ex Files

2006-12-06T14:06:00.000-05:00

This book was sorta unreal, but I still liked it. Done by Jane Moore who I have said before that I enjoy. The main characters were about to get married and each made the ridiculous decision to invite a few of each of their exes to the nuptials. Of course, all hell breaks loose when a huge secret is let out and mayhem ensues. Good book for those who like light drama of which none touches you.

I am still reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter, but seriously, I just can't do stuff that is not lighthearted anymore. It takes me a bit to get through something rather serious in nature. Even though this book is not a downer in any way, I just have this tendency toward frivolity lately. Who knows what my deal is? Anyway, shooting for 60 books by the end of the year. Should be able to do it. :)

The bitch is back

2006-12-05T11:54:00.000-05:00

Hi all, made it home safe and sound and am immediately back to work today. Trip was so nice. Dad looks cute with his sparsely haired head. Due to the loss and all, he decided to have my step-mom's friend take the clippers to it to sorta even it out since it was ragged. So now I call him Colonel. Only a matter of time before he makes us salute. Spirits are good, thankfully. When I gave him a hug bye on my way back to the airport, I leaned down and yelled right at his sternum "Go away, you cancer bitch!!!!" He found that amusing as hell. I'll update more later and I do believe I have a lovely FUG picture for Thursday. Think knee highs and skirt. Mmmhmmm. Hey, you dress like that, your ass is going on the net.

PS - the Pooper and Big Fluffy Butt missed their mama.

Just realized....

2006-11-30T17:46:00.000-05:00

In 7 hours, and 14 minutes, hurricane season will be over.

Thank the Lawd.

A promise is a promise

2006-11-30T11:38:00.000-05:00

OK, I was in college or just out? Wait, I can't remember. I should look on my credit report because that tells the tale RIGHT THERE. My cousin, Angela, used to babysit or nanny (can't remember which) for this other lady Angela's children. This woman was a Mary Kay associate. She would call my Ang to come babysit in the evenings when she had shows to do. And yes, ladies, they call them shows. Angela, being a normal girl was like transfixed by all the make up and perfume and fun bottles and shit in Angela's inventory. (OK, hereinafter my cousin Angela will be A1 and the MK Angela will be A2.) So once you sign the contract to be a MK associate, you barely get your feet in the door before they are majorly pressuring you to do two things - sign someone up and invest big money in having an inventory. Their reasoning is this about the inventory - how fun is it to order stuff from someone and then have to wait. You increase your chances of making a sale if you can literally put the lotion/foundation/eye shadow right into their hot little hand immediately. OK, that actually makes sense, I suppose.

Let me back track a bit. I first met A1's director (that is like someone who leads a team in MK) at an Eat N Park when I lived in the Burgh. Oh man, I miss me some ENP. I loved their smiley cookies and they had bad ass grilled cheese sandwiches. One would not think that there could be perfection in a grilled cheese, but I beg to differ. I used to worship at its cheesy goodness. But I digress.

I walk in and there sitting is A1 and her director, Peggy. OK, Peggy was like over the top. She was quite pretty in a very made up way, but it was her personality. She was just like waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out there. Every single sentence that came out of her laquered lips ended in an exclamation point. All of them. And every single word was accompanied by a really exagerated facial expression or body language type deal. At first, I was like, whoa. So not my thing and I am sure she picked up on that. So then, what did she do? She appealed to my affection for my cousin. By signing the contract right then and there and giving my $100 for my kit thing (whose name escapes me right now) I would be helping my cousin who had just signed her contract just before this (are you starting to see the pyramid tactics yet?). The thing that I remember was her use of the words "Is there any reason why you can not _____?" Fill in the blank with whatever thing or idea she is trying to get you to agree to. Well, what on earth does a 22 year old girl say to that? I was a people pleaser - still am to some degree. (SHUT IT.) I thought to myself "Well, of course not, I want to help A1." And so I signed.

SHOWCASE. The kit was called a showcase. Nope, I'm not kidding. It was a pink suitcase type deal with all your samples in it. Just thinking about that makes me start to tic.

OK, fast forward to my first MK meeting. They encourage (that is the word they used so that it sounds all nicey nice, but seriously if you are not dressed correctly, you will be judged and whatever poor soul brought you in will be dressed DOWN, no pun intended) to dress professionally. If you are not a director (they all wear the same suits) or a Red Jacket (who is someone who is a team leader and therefore, wear a red jacket) you should wear a skirt, blouse, some sort of suit, whatever. Hose NOT optional. Heels NOT optional. You need to look the part. That means face done. Hair DONE. Nails, no bitten cuticles, no ragged ends, no unpolished natural look. Never in my life have I worn that many products at any given time. The one good thing I have going on my face is I have well shaped, without much maintenance, eyebrows. I like them. I don't fuck with them other than to make sure I don't have crazy strays and that they are brushed accordingly. These bitches made me think I was ruining the entire effect of the other 18 pounds of cosmetics on my face by NOT WEARING EYEBROW PENCIL. What the fuck was I thinking? You best believe I extracted an eyebrow pencil from my EXTENSIVE inventory (more on that later) and started fixing all that ailed me lest I run into Mary Kay Ash on the damn streets of the Burgh.

Oh and yeah, this was all while I was still up North. This was not near Texas, the land of large hair. I was like, what, 7 states away? In a state that prides itself on football, blue collar workers, steel mills, hoagies, and the mullet. That is where this MK stranglehold had taken place. Y'all do NOT know the power of a bunch of women who smell money and weakness on you.

So, ok, my first meeting. I go in to Peggy's room. Each director holds her own meetings in a meeting room at some random hotel somewhere. Being that we were in fairly close quarters and the level of estrogen in that building had reached epic proportions, the shit you heard was unreal. Peggy would come blazing in (oh, our name was the Peggy's Perfect 10s) and would encourage us to all get to our feet and sing the MK song. Now I am not sure if this is some patented song that is endorsed by their company. All I know is we sang it. I SANG IT. Loud and proud, bitches. I don't recall every word but as previously noted in my last post, it was about having that MK feeling down in your heart (patting the heart before resuming clapping to the rhythm of the song), down in your heart....Girls, I could bullshit you and act like I was like way too cool for this shit, but I partook and I partook of it whole friggin hog, mmmmkay? These women sucked me and A1 right the fuck in. Everything that they preached was like woman power. I should do this because I deserve it. I should go to these meetings because where else is a mom or housewife's accolades shouted from the rooftops like that? It is important to take the time to take care of one's self. Their agenda sounds amazing, no? I mean, in a world where one woman will not friggin hesitate to stab you in the back in the corporate world or the mommy world or even in your own friendships, how could being in a place where women boost each other up NOT be alluring? That was the shiny surface.

Let's dive into the underbelly now.

I was all happy and glowy (or else I was just shiny from the 3 layers of foundation) for the first couple of weeks. The idea ladies is to bring more girls IN. The more girls you personally bring in, the more money your make, the more the person who brought you in makes all the up the chain. Nope, not pyramid AT ALL. They want you to bring in your sisters, sisters in law, mothers, next door neighbors, etc. They literally give you a script to use complete with the catch phrase "Is there any reason why you can't...." These chicks that I thought were all content to live the MK life of God first, family second, career third were like up my ass to bring in the peeps. (I was very mistrustful of the whole God first thing because, at that time, I was about as anti-church as one could get without summoning up Satan, but I still got sucked in.) So bring in the peeps I did. Your initial goal is to bring in one person. So I brought in my boyfriend's sister who, I gotta say, was in dire need of a make over, bless her heart. Her name was Billie Jo and she lived with her husband who used to be the husband of her best friend. Oh, she also lived with her current daughter and now step daughter who was named, oh yeah, you guessed it, Billie Jo. The best friend/first wife thought so much of BJ (also how she stole the hubs, but I digress) that she named her kid that. Oh man, good times. But hey, who am I to judge? I just dragged her down there and gave her the opportunity to make herself into an absolute made up wonder who makes buckets of cash. In doing that, I elevated myself up a level.

The next goal, bring in 2 more chicks for a total of 3 peeps. That entitles you to a red jacket and to sit up at the head table with the other red jackets and lead the meeting with Peggy. A little prior to this, I was busy organizing my meetings, selling my ass off (I seriously thought I was going to pay my way thru grad school with this.) and wearing my MK pin loud and proud on every outfit I put on. Right before I starting doing any shows, I made an investment. We'll call it an investment instead of what it really was - STUPIDITY IN BUYING FORM. I purchased over $1600 of inventory in one quarter. That entitled me to a beautiful vegetable service dish and platter that is white and pink and trimmed in gold overlay. It sounds bizarre but I still have that platter and bowl to this day and it's gorgeous. My one remaining link to that part of my life.

Ladies, did you notice the amount of money I spent on inventory? By doing this, I think I sent Peggy into an orgasm and A2 who was to become my new director into a damn coma. This showed them that I took my new life seriously, that I had the faith in myself to purchase such a load, that I was clearly the stupidest girl to ever graduate with honors and that I would do anything...ANYTHING....to have these women's approval.

A few months into my red jacket status and inventory overload, something started happening. I cried. A lot. I would want to stay in bed and never come out. I hated going to work. I avoided the meetings. I screened my phone calls constantly. I do not know what brought on this bout of depression but it sat on me for a good few months. I felt like I had failed everyone, A1, A2, Peggy, myself, etc. I felt like the biggest loser known to man. I knew that this company was sucking my will to live away. It was never enough for them. Keep selling. Keep reaching for the next tier. Never settle for where you are. I could not take the PRESSURE. It was intense on a level that I could never adequately describe on here. I finally remembered that I had an out. A little known MK fact is that you can sell back to the company all of your inventory if you pack and ship it back and they will return 90% of what you paid for it. However, in order to do that, you have to get that form from your director, who at this point, was A2. (Due to mine and other people's efforts, she was able to splinter off from Peggy's Perfect 10s and do her own director thing.) I took the pussy way out and wrote her a letter requesting the form. She sent the form but with no accompanying note saying she understood or was sorry to see me leave or whatever. Nothing. This woman who just about licked my ass earlier on was now shutting me out. Right then, I knew I had made the right decision and a weight of the use of 17 products on my face and worshipping all things MK was lifted off me almost instantaneously.

I never regretted my decision and A1 and I have never discussed my decision which I am sure affected her at those meetings as well being that she brought in me, the heathen who dared to leave the fold. I know that she no longer does it being that she sold her inventory at a garage sale. LOLOLOLOL.

I am not sure what sort of person it takes to deal with that company but I know for sure it was not me. It is very cultish and not the shiny, happy place it appears from the outside. I don't regret going into that because it taught me how to answer the question "Is there any reason why you can't.....?"

Uh yeah there is - I don't wanna.

Happiness comes in the form of an email and really large hair

2006-11-29T09:49:00.000-05:00

Got a "please for the love of God, help me" email from my step-mom about a gift she needs for a friend of hers. Um, I am working 10 hours a day, SM, so I shall send out slave boy, I mean, hubs to go get. (Note to self - not slave boy) However, she did throw in there that Pops is home and looking good. The surgeon is even talking about maybe gutting my dad like a fish and extracting some of that, Cancer the bitch. (Hereinafter always referred to as CTB.) That is good, people. A surgeon who does not wanna cut you open may as well just say "Yep, not worth my time because he/she is a goner." Sad but true.

In light of TKW's post yesterday of suburban parties and then today's post about beauty rituals, I have a humdinger of a post that I will try my hardest to do tomorrow. I do not think I ever posted about this chapter of my life and I do believe it will shatter, SHATTER, any thoughts y'all had of me. It would probably also make all of you rethink any future invitations to Blogger Blowouts. I have just two sentences for you.

I was a Mary Kay representative.

I sang the Mary Kay song of "I've got that Mary Kay feeling...down in my heart...down in my heart..." complete with hand gestures with as much feeling as I could muster with 47 pounds of make up on and my hair schlacked to within an inch of its life.

Chew on that while I finish working.

Book #55 - Love @ First Site and One down, Three to go

2006-11-27T22:21:00.000-05:00

OK, book review first. This is another Jane Moore book. I got an onslaught of them at one time from the book service dealio I use. I have another one sitting back there somewhere too. Anyway, this one is about a girl who hates her job, is single and not thrilled about it, close with her fam but has that one friend who is truly the non-friend. Doesn't everyone have one of those? I used to. A girl I dealt with and honestly, I am not sure why. No energy for the confrontation, maybe? No balls for the confrontation is more like it. However, I made it a point of extricating a lot of the negative from my life this year and she was part of that.

Back to the book. The evil "friend" in the book signs up the main character to an online dating service - not a fun thing or a way to get a laugh but to just make her squirm. I won't even go into the rest of the book because a lot of things unfold and I will for sure give crucial details away. I am in the middle of reading a not quite as fluffy book called The Memory Keeper's Daughter. I gotta mix fluff into that though. I am just superficial that way, sorry.

Today was day 1 of the 4 ten hour days I have this week. Today was relatively painless. Started out slow but once those doctors got back to work, I was rockin all day. I would like to make up for the work I missed the last 3 days of last week, but I doubt that will happen. I could maybe make up 50% or so. I'll take it. I needed the break.

Tonight has been a quiet night. Just some tv and the Poop-a-loop at my side begging for some dirty rice. I could feed him until he exploded and still, he sit with his chin on my knee with the face of starvation on.

I've decided I want a big red barn star for above the tv. Lori over at Lost In Surburbia inspired me. I found several on ebay for next to nothing. I hope the hubs gets me one for Xmas. If not, I shall take care of it myself after the holidays.

OK, Catholics out there - question for ya. What is a feast day? It is not a holy day of obligation, right? What is the diff between those two things and why is mass attendance obligatory on the days of obligation and not feast days? Splain to me please. Of course, my cradle Catholic hubs did not know dick. Please - contain your shock.

OK, I'm off to read more trash and sit in my comfy bed kept warm by my fluffy cat and long legged, runs in his sleep, grinds his toofers, pitches an all fired fit when I am not touching him if he is on the bed (I will SO get that on tape one day) Poopus. Night night, all.

Big news in Big Knockers and my poor nose

2006-11-27T15:58:00.000-05:00

Pam Anderson filed for divorce after just 4 months from Kid Rock. I wonder if it was because every time they had sex, he would jump up on the bed and scream like a banshee....."I'm gonna cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

No?

OK, then. On to my nose.

Something is in my damn nose. No, not flags or boogies. Well, probably boogies. It feels like I inhaled a gnat and every so often, that little fucker flutters and makes me nuts to the point where my eyes water and I can't work. I have sneezed like 4 times - none of them those crazy bring down the house type horn blowers, nope, not me - and NOTHING. Nada. The little fucker (if it is indeed a bug) won't budge. I have startled poor Reba so badly. She likes to nap on my desk while I work. I think the tap tap tapping of my typing lulls her into sleep the way a fan does for me. Anyhoo, I sneezed like 5 minutes ago and it was sorta sudden and I about had to peel her off the monitor.

Good times.

How I spent my day

2006-11-26T22:42:00.000-05:00

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Here is my tree. My angel from years past bit the dust. I very intelligently put a candle in the tote that housed the angel and of course in my attic, that candle melted and now the angel is pink. NICE. So my tree is topless for the time being. Topless. Friggin whore.

I got up and went to mass today. I know people have their own ideas about church and religion and all that, and to that, I say, cool. Lord knows I have ran the friggin gamut on religion as a whole. I mean, for a while, I really was content to never step foot in another church again, save for the rare wedding or funeral. But with all that is going on, attending mass and my classes (which have been off the last 2 Wednesdays and I actually MISSED them) helps me. I get a little caught up in the singing and truth be told, having not been brought up as a Catholic, all the stuff they do still seems somewhat exotic to me. The genuflecting, the responsive stuff, the taking of communion every single time...all that. I feel more a part of a church community than another time in my life. Considering I have not even been baptized yet or partaken of the holy wafer (I say that just to make Shell think by reading it, she is hell bound), that is saying a lot. I pray all the time. I pray for me to stop being so angry. I pray for me to be kinder and less judgmental. I pray for me to let so many things GO. But lately, as you can imagine, I have prayed for my dad. I don't pray for a cure. I don't pray that one day he wakes up and it was just all a horrendous mistake. I pray for him to have strength and deal with this and I pray for him to at least feel peace. I pray that he knows how loved he is. I pray that if and when the time comes, he is surrounded by those who love him best, who understand that he did the best he could. I pray that I am holding his hand and rubbing it and he not only feels my love but a love from something bigger than him or me. It may sound like I have given up hope or resigned myself to the fact that a cure or remission is not in the cards. I can see how it might come off that way. I wrestle with this daily. I swing from one extreme of just wanting a miracle to the other extreme of picturing my life without him. 85% of the time I sit in the middle somewhere knowing that I have power over none of this. Fair or not. Crappy or not. Lucky or not. It is not up to me. That is what I pray for the most - the clarity to see that either way, my daddy will be ok. It is the hardest struggle I have dealt with in my 33 years.

The rest of my day was spent at lunch with friends which is a fabulous way to spend an afternoon. Particularly an afternoon where my boys got their ass handed to them in a shut out. Dude, 9 sacks on Ben. What the HELL? Um, offensive line? Come see for a sec. OK, the guys on the other side of the line of scrimmage? Um, yeah - they be not nice. They be like wanting to take your boy down. The job here is to block. BLOCK THEM. Perhaps if I draw pictures it will help. Y'all are friggin KILLING ME. And Ben, I know you are feeling the pressure in the pocket constantly, but if you throw one more pick, I swear to all that is good, I will fly up there and kick the living shit outta you. I'm just sayin.

Oh, and for those of you that perhaps were feeling a bit sad that with me attending mass and intending to finally be baptized and take communion for the first time in Catholic church in a few short months, I might perhaps quit cursing or whatever. Never fear. I imagine that the F bombs will be flying for years to come. Most people still get on my damn nerves and I will always refer to the hubs ex as Camel Toe Annie. Some things will NEVER change.

Word.

Making my peace

2006-11-26T10:40:00.000-05:00

My dad was rushed to the ER yesterday because his most recent dose of chemo took the snot right outta him. He does not want to eat due to his mouth being sore and he has no yearning to eat or drink anyway, in spite of the pain. Therefore, he got dehydrated and so weak that he needed to be rehydrated and also some packed red blood cells since his red count was so low. From my understanding these are both fairly common side effects of the chemo.

Due to this, my sister is going down there for Xmas - as is my brother. I won't be able to go. It is not a money thing. It is a work thing. My job is working for a company that works for medical facilities all over the US. Therefore, they don't close. People don't stop getting sick just because SFG wants a vacay. I have only been there since late July and they are already working with me to go see him next weekend. It is not possible for me to take off for Xmas. I have never felt more like shit in my entire life. I am trying to get over it by telling myself that I can easily go see him in the middle of January once everyone at work is back on their schedules, but that does not dispel the idea that this will more than likely be my father's last Xmas and yet, I won't be there.

Book #54 - The Other Woman and my day

2006-11-21T21:10:00.000-05:00

This is a book by Jane Moore who has written quite a few great books. She writes lighthearted "chick lit" normally. I somewhat synopsized this book earlier this week, so I won't bother. The ending was nice though. Everything sorta came full circle.

I was a tad concerned about this week's work due to the doctors turning in very little work, but I was okay today, thankfully. I am not sure about the rest of the week though. We shall see. I figure if I make my personal production goals for 3 or even 4 days, then I can have one day where I have slowness. No biggie. The hubs works today and tomorrow but thankfully he is off for Thanksgiving because his ass is doing all the cooking. My job is pies and those bad boys just came out the oven. Hehehehehe. Done, bitches.

Just finished watching my Gilmore Girls. I am beyond annoyed that Lorelai married Christopher. I did not watch 6 friggin seasons on DVD for her to end up with that dude. WTF???

Now I am waiting for that new show, 3 Lbs to come on. I love me some Stanley Tucci. Balding or not, he is sexy as hayell. Yum.

I watched Letterman last night to check out Kramer doing is big apology. I am not sure what the hell happened to that dude. From the tapes I saw, I mean it looks like he just plum lost his damn mind. His career is over for sure. He was a funny dude. Too bad he went down that road.

OK, I know most of you bitches work outside the home, but I love me some Regis and Kelly. I don't start work til 10 so I can normally catch the bulk of it while I make myself less of a slob. I saw last Friday with Clay Aiken co-hosting in Regis' place. First, let me just proclaim right now that the dude needs to come flying out of the closet in a rainbow colored caftan and call it a day. Oh, and fire his stylist FORTHWITH. However, he was a bitchy little queen through the entire show. Kelly was all psyched to interview Emmitt and that dance chick because she friggin loved that damn show. Talked about all the time. He got all pissy because she was monopolizing the questioning. Oh, I'm sorry, but the name of the show is Live with Regis and Kelly, not Live with Regis and Dude who is staying in the closet.

Then, Rosie "I can't shut up to save my soul" O'Donnell is lambasting Kelly for her so called homophobic comment. Clay attempted to cover her mouth in order to get more questioning in and she got visibly annoyed. She backed up and went "Oh, no, no, I don't know where that hand has been." Um, how exactly is that homophobic? She did not say his hand smelled like sweaty balls. She did not say "Hey, I detected day old Astroglide on that palm." Get over it, Rosie. Oh, and PS - you just called him gay. So much for him keeping his sexual orientation a secret. Ya know, for those of us who still weren't clear he was gay - the sightless and deaf.

Dad underwent his second blast of chemo yesterday. As per usual, he felt great yesterday, but he knows that by Wednesday, he'll feel like ass. I hope that by a week from Friday, when I arrive, he is not so under the weather. I am fine hanging out and chilling, but I just hate for him to feel nasty and not want to eat. After this, he is going to get another PET scan and CT scan to see if the cancer cells shrank at all. The major concern is of course the lymph nodes. Frankly, it is not promising being that the surgeon is not even anticipating doing surgery. You know those dude would cut open anything if they could, so the fact that he is sorta steering him towards additional chemo and radiation means he does not think he is a good candidate. What that means for survival time is not clear to me just yet. I am just trying to get through this day to day.

I do not have much Xmas shopping to do at all, but I may take a ride out to Kohls Saturday after work and finish up. I hope they are still having their cool ass sales that day and not just Friday. Not sure. Might be too tired.

The chill has finally hit us, thankfully. I am loving it. I actually had to bust on the heat briefly today. Loved it. It is killing me to not put out my Xmas decor yet. KILLING. ME.

Brain dump

2006-11-20T19:41:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that someone actually perhaps had an attack of the conscience and axed the OJ interview. It is also my understanding that the book will not be released either. I should hope not. I mean, how much more do the Brown and Goldman families have to take? Thank goodness it will just be not on. He does have his nerve though. Not sure how he lives with himself.

I was off today. Work should be quiet this week. Apparently my accounts for work have notoriously low volume during this week. However, I get paid on production so that sorta blows. Well, what can ya do? Hey if it is only this week and perhaps the week of Xmas, then no problemo. I got up today, cuddled with the hubs when he got home, ran to Target to pick up rx, picked up some soft drinks at CVS since they were on sale, then came home. The hubs made me a wonderful French toast breakfast and then I literally fell into a coma. The hubs left for work about 12:15 or so and I promptly knocked the hell out. I woke up at 3 in time to see Oprah drool all over Beyonce and Jamie Foxx. Turned that right off. I do very much want to see the movie - it looks fabulous. I just can't deal with O much anymore.

Finally took a shower about 5:30. I dusted the living room, cooked dinner, washed out bedding. That was my big day. I so friggin love days like this. Oh and the topper????? Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is on in 13 minutes. When Snoopy sets the table like he is dealing cards, it friggin slays me.

I am reading this book right now called The Other Woman that is basically about a woman who marries this man who is incredibly close to his family, specifically his mother. Long story short, at the point I am at, the couple split up because the mother of the man ended up having an accident with their child and the child ended up with a couple broken bones but some potential swelling on the brain (this all occurred because she failed to listen to the woman's wishes and leave the damn kid in his crib). The woman had been asking the husband to intervene on her behalf with the mother and her overbearing ways but of course he refuses - does not want to get in the middle. Sounds like a legitimate argument, right? However, I so understand this woman. I so get her. If I had a kid and allowed my step-daughter or anyone in his family, really, to babysit (hahahahahaha, um, NO) and she ended up inadvertantly hurting my kid, I'd flip. Of course it was an accident, but the problem was that the husband never took his wife's side. That has been a pervasive problem in my marriage as well. The answer was for me to remove myself from an entire segment of his life. It sucks that I had to do that though. It should have never come to that. I should have never had to cry about the treatment I received. The thing that kills me is that he has yet to ever sit his kids down or anyone for that matter and say "You know what, the way you treat my wife is bullshit. Frankly, it's too late to do anything about it because she is about as over you as she could be, but I want you to know that I hate how you have acted and I think it sucks." It has never occurred to my knowledge. I doubt it ever will.

No RCIA class this week due to Thanksgiving. We did get a new priest to help out Father Mike, thank goodness. Poor dude was working 15-16 hour days and ended up running himself down so much, he collapsed. New dude will be teaching our class. Met him briefly and he seems nice enough. I hope I continue to enjoy the classes, because so far, they have brought me a lot of happiness and understanding. PS - question for y'all. What does one get your priest or minister for Xmas? Do you give a gift at all? I believe I would like to considering he was also our teacher and has been so fab. I was not thinking anything over the top, maybe a giftcard for Starbucks since he seems like a coffee hound.

Lucy is fixin to screw Charlie Brown again. I so love that HAB.

I made two drafts of a potential Xmas card for us to send out with the Pooper on them. If they work out and you would like to see his highness in all his Xmas glory, just email me your address. He is nothing if not Pooptacular. Gotta see how they turn out first though.

Took all my Xmas totes filled with all my Xmas decor out of the attic today. :). Once I get back from seeing the Dadenator, I shall be decorated up. :) I leave Dec 1 and get back the 4th, so definitely by that weekend, my shit will be all up and fab. Love it.

OK, I am off to have a very Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Catch ya later, bitches.

Questions for the internets

2006-11-19T20:14:00.000-05:00

I am starting to really get some lines below and around my eyes. Any idea for a good eye cream? Nothing heavy, maybe even a gel would be good. Please give me your thoughts.

I seem to have this tendency that is offputting to those that do not know me well. Granted, none of you have met me in real life, but my personality is pretty clear on here. Any advice to maybe tone down my...um.....let's go with bitchiness?

Has anyone read some really awesome books lately? If so, cough those titles up, please.

Does anyone have one of those prelit Xmas trees? I have resisted them, but the practicality just is so obvious. Thoughts?

Any questions for me?

Also, I check my site meter fairly often and I have a shitten ton of lurkers that don't comment. Say hi once in a while people. I seeeeeee youuuuuuu.

PSAs

2006-11-18T17:24:00.000-05:00

To the young girl sitting 5 rows down at the movie last night:

You know what, Tiffani with an I dotted with a heart? That annoying fucking cell phone that you keep opening and closing so that while trying to watch this shitty movie (an aside - skip the Return with Sarah Michelle Gellar) is bright as fuck and keeps distracting me. So just as I am watching Sarah Michelle drive in a truck that changes color midway through the flick, BEAM, there is you text messaging again. Seriously, I almost took your Razr/Crazr/Sidekick and wiped my ass with it.

To the young "man" who is still insisting on bumping down the street despite my earlier PSA:

Duuuuuude, you are on my last fucking nerve. I noticed that you don't come around as much. So, you tapped that already, huh? Yeah, I'm not shocked. Now go snag some penicillin.

To Jennifer Love Hewitt aka Wondertits:

Honey, you are a pretty girl. Seriously, you are. However, no matter how thick of eyelashes you glue on there, no matter how much you back comb your hair, no matter how many 40s style dresses you wear with your boobages at attention, you are NOT Audrey Hepburn. Let it go, sister.

To my neighbors of whom I have spoken in the past:

I seriously can not wait for y'all to LEAVE. The lovely TURQUOISE portable storage unit you unceremoniously plopped half way off your driveway into the grass separating our property is beyond the limits of tacky. Just when I think you can get no worse. Oh, and that dog that does not shut the fuck UP any time you all are not home? Yeah, can't wait for that fucktard to leave either. Need help packing? Want us to pay your first house note? Anything we can do - NAME IT. Just GO.

To Jefferson Parish?

Y'all suck for sending a $530 property tax bill right before Xmas. Luckily we have the money or I'd have to be going all gonzo on your ass. You still suck though.

To Tyra Banks:

OK, true, I have never once sat down and watched your show. Nevertheless, you and your giant sevenhead (too big to be a forehead) need to GO. The fact that you had a show in your freakin underwear is ridiculous. Seriously sweetheart, go get married and drop out of the biz, would ya?

I think that's it for now. I'll empty my brain later.

SPF - in honor of the Blog of the Month, Missing JT Snow

2006-11-16T22:05:00.000-05:00

That chick over in CA wants us to do the following in honor of National Epilepsy Month for SPF:

-something we seize
-something that shakes
-something purple.

This is something I seized. Well, I seized control really. Of our finances. This bill organizer used to be such a source of stress for me. I take care of the finances in our home and seriously we played check roulette and did the "please for the love of GOD, don't let that bill clear just yet" game many a time. Well, several months back, the hubs and I took one of several steps to make sure that never happens again. I can't even begin to say what a relief that is.

This is what shakes. No, not the big J. My faith. As most of you know, I started taking RCIA classes a few months back in an attempt to find out where I belong. I don't talk too much about it here lately, but I am happy to say that I think I found my place. My classes are teaching me a lot and lately my faith is stronger now than it has been in a long while. I truly believe that I am making it through this trying time with my Dad's illness because of my belief that regardless of what happens, I have a soft place to land. It does NOT make it any easier though.

Something purple. My really cool suede bag. I bought this while evacuated 2 or 3 years ago in Houston. I got it on sale and instantly fell in love. Now if I ever evacuate to Houston again, I am so looking up the Houston Blogging Bitches to shop with!!!!

So did you play?

Rain drops keep fallin' on my head

2006-11-15T10:08:00.000-05:00

How, I ask you, HOW is a girl who loves her some rain storms supposed to do work when there is a luscious rain storm raging out there? This sort of weather calls for candles, popcorn, a throw, the original Halloween movie, and a Pooper by one's side.

Will someone please email my supervisor and tell her I am unable to work today?

Quick side note:

Said storm started about 5 this morning. Now Reba, brave girl that she is with her Paw of Death, hates rain. I never even saw when she took off, but suffice it to say, she is undoubtedly traumatized under my bed.

Gage, my big strong Poop-a-loop, was laying in bed with us. I had gotten up to pee because I pee more than an old man whose prostate is the size of his head, and even the hubs had woken up due to the loud thunder. I climb back in bed with my hubs and my doggie and then the dog sees lightening. Not sure what he thought was going on, but his answer to it was to bark at the lightening. I cracked up. We called him back to the bed to lay in between us and be all secure, so the barking would stop. The hubs fell back asleep, but as I was laying there getting ready to nod off myself, I hear Gage, "Mmmmmmrrrmmmmmffff." He did one of those "I know I should still bark since the lightening is still going, but I am tired bear." The bark was one of those closed mouth, no effort, lip fluttering barks. So there I am, 5:30 AM in a bed with a hairy man, a hairy dog laughing to myself.

That, my friends, in a nutshell, is my life.

*****UPDATED TO ADD*****
It is now noon. Reba just NOW strolled out from where ever her hiding place was. He walked into the room where I work and tapped me on the leg. I look down and she proceeded to meow for 5 solid minutes while I talked to her a made a big fuss because the Queen Bee decided to come out. In essence, she no likeah the rain.

Yeah, she talks to me. Shut it.

Hang on to your Cheetos, people - the Brit is passing through.

2006-11-14T15:33:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears visits her Louisiana hometown

God love her. And her gravity defying breastisis.

Book #53 - The Yoga Mamas

2006-11-12T22:48:00.000-05:00

Yep, I finished this book in less than 24 hours. I know, it's a sickness. This book is written by Katherine Stewart who also wrote Class Moms, a book I read a few months back. I liked this one so much better. It centers around 5 women who meet in a yoga studio in New York City, all of whom are pregnant. None of them have a thing in common other than the fact that each of them are undergoing their first pregnancy. They begin to become friends and are each so pleased to find someone who understands how this all feels.

The story is so much more than that - a bit of a mystery unfolds which ripens the story big time, but the base of the book centers around these women.

Good read - pick it up if you get a chance.

And yet it will cost me $10K to get knocked up

2006-11-12T22:23:00.000-05:00

Mother Accused of Tossing Kids into SF Bay

Ya know, I don't know this whole woman's story, but I just don't understand why there are women who kill their children and yet there are tons of women like me who have to jump through hoops with heaps of cash just for the hope of having my own.

I do not get it.

Thanks for the bone, Ben, Book #52 and other crap

2006-11-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

Well, my boys pulled it out, so Ben's jaw is safe for another week.

I also have to catch up on book reviews. So book #52 was "The Same Sweet Girls" by Casandra King. I had read another book of hers, "The Sunday Wife" and while the story is out of my brain right now, I remember liking it. Well, this book was fabulous all the way to the incredibly bitter sweet ending. In fact the very end was just perfect. I loved it.

The book was about 6 girls who had been friends since college. One of the originals had died at the age of 25 and another girl had sorta filled her spot since then and had inadvertantly given the group their name. I won't go into it because it would take forever, but it was a wonderful book that showed how even in our dysfunctional friendships with some of our friends, we get so much more than we put out from them. I just loved it.

I have been a slacker with putting pictures on here, so this is a shot I took one night outside my house. Is that sky not amazing?

This is why I will go to Pet Owner Hell.

Well, that and this.

Sorry, but this shit just cracks me UP.

Hey Ben, throw a bitch a bone, ok?

2006-11-12T15:18:00.000-05:00

Hehehehe, I said bone.

Dear Big Ben:

Y'all are playing the Saints today. THE SAINTS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Other than this year and then some random year back in the 80s I think, they have sucked hard core. There is no reason why y'all can't win this. I know at this point I have a better shot of winning back my virginity than you do of even finishing up at .500 this season, but seriously dude. I am fixin to fly up there and kick the shit out of your titanium jaw.

Gracias.

I tried to bet my friend's hubs on the game but he said no. I wanted him to wash my car if my boys win, but he quickly backed off. I smell fear. Could not possibly be all the dog snot on the inside of my windows from Gage getting so excited when I take him in the car that he does this really lovely projectile sneezing thing, right?

No, I think it's fear.

Pussy.

My weekend - a preview

2006-11-10T14:22:00.000-05:00

I'm sure y'all are just chompin at the damn bit as to what my plans are right? Well, currently I am working. Sorta. Then, the hubs is grilling us some yummy burgers for din din. Gots to love that. He is off today and had a doctor's appt for his diabetes and high blood pressure. The dude is 40 and falling the fuck apart. That is what I get for marrying a man that old. ;) Damn insurance best be paid up.
Tomorrow, I work, so does the hubs but then we are having a yummy Italian dinner out with the Momenator. It is not really a date night since we are bringing our own chaperone, but I'll take what I can get. We may go see a flick after - either The Return with SM Gellar or that Christian Bale flick. I could not give 2 craps what the Christian Bale movie is about. He's in it. Good nuff.
Sunday, the hubs works, so it's church for me, then lunch with Karen at Houstons. I so love that place. Then home to clean house and watch the Steelers play the Saints. They play them maybe every 5 or so years. Last time it was down here and I got to go. Steelers lost. Ask me if I gave a shit. They warmed up right in front of me. I almost shit. I felt like those psychopathic women who faint at the site of like Elvis or the Beatles. If I ever get to see a home game at Heinz field, seriously, I will have to medicate myself.
Monday is nothing special. The hubs works in the morning and I don't think we have any special plans after that. I may do some more Xmas shopping, but other than that, nothing major.
A quiet weekend. The type that I LOVE.

I...can't.....breathe.................

2006-11-09T16:15:00.000-05:00

OK, I love my job, right? I sit and listen to doctors say all this cool stuff and sometimes really sad stuff about these people that I don't know. And there is no office politics because my office consists of me and while I can be a bitch sometimes, I am rarely a bitch to myself.

Well, this chick I work with kept telling me to look out for this one doctor. In her very PC way, she said "Oh, you know, I think he is like maybe (whispers) Asian." She also is in her home working so why she was whispering Asian like that is beyond me. Anyways, I just got to him.

Holy Eggroll, Batman. He was giving the diagnosis of this wee baby and he tried to say gastroesophageal reflux disease. Bless his heart. It came out more like gassoooooooooesophagrill weefwux dirrease.

I have half a mind to email the PC chick and go "You know, I noticed no accent. I think the fact that you assumed he was a gook was just WRONG. Now you go think about that and get back to me when you become more tolerant. Also, my husband is (whispering) part gook, so please don't slam them. Just because they can't drive. Or say their R's."

I fucking slay me.

So it's just me then.....

2006-11-09T16:06:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else laughing their fool heads off at the story about Denise Richards tossing laptops off of a balcony in a fucking freak out of the century over paparazzi and the shit landing on 2 old women - and I mean, old - 81 and 90. I mean, way to show your true diva colors, bitch.

Luckily the women were not badly hurt (which is why I can laugh), but damn girl, take a Xanax and go lay down for a wee bit, mmmmkay?

Oh and Hi, God? It's me again. Um, it's November and it is like 80 degrees out. Normally I suppose this would not bug me but I was like tres excited to be able to not have to drive through the inclement weather since I now work across the hall from my bedroom thereby cutting out the daily commute. And I have gotten a total of ONE DAY of inclement weather.

Throw a bitch a bone, mmmkay? Bring a storm through this here area.

Meme stolen from Tammy

2006-11-08T13:31:00.000-05:00

1] What is your middle name? Ann
2] What color is your mailbox? It's a giant LSU helmet so it's bright fucking yellow.
3] Are you available? Um, I am gonna go with no.
4] Have you ever hit a deer? No.
5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? Home from where? Work? No. Lunch with Karen? Yes.
6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning? Yes, but why is the question. It never gets read. I do online news, bitches.
7] Who checks the mail in your house? Normally me.
8] Do you have a small driveway? Yes, we need it bigger.
9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you? No, and my friend says it is ghetto fabulous.
10] What do you do first in the morning? Pee.
11] What brand is your printer? Lexmark.
12] Do you enjoy fighting with people? It makes me tired, so no.
13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly? Oh, if only. It is a hybrid of both and looks like shit unless I straighten it.
14] Who was your kindergarten teacher? Um, dunno. I do recall the whore lifting my shirt up in front of a boy to see if I had chicken pox (I did) but my tiny tatas were out there for the world to see.
15] Are you taller than your mother? Yeah. I'm a statuesque 5'4". She is 5'2".
16] Do you have a favorite word? Stupid ass.
17] Are you God? Um, no. If I was, oh the fun that would be had.
18] What do you do to get over a broken heart? Chocolate.
19] Do you have a deep dark secret? Yes. Doesn't every one.
20] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens? No, I am a blue or black girl.
21] Does anything hurt on your body right now? No, amazingly enough.
22] Do you often cry during a movie? Sometimes.
23] Do you hate your life? No, it has gotten better recently.
24] Do you get mad easily? Um, psycho say what?
25] What is your biggest pet peeve? Oh, that list could be lengthy. Let's go with slow drivers in the fast lane. Look, when you see a tiny white car coming up your ass like a bullet train, I am gonna go with MOVE.
26] What is your away message? Don't have one.
27] Do any of your friends have kids? Yep.
28] Who should pay on the first date? The man. Unless the woman asks him, but he should still totally do the "let me reach for my wallet" deal and allow her to protest and then go "well, ok." Sorry, somethings I am very old fashioned about.
29] How many years older than you are you willing to date? I am not much of a dater. You know, since the wedding and all.
30] Do you have any friends? I sure hope so.
31] Do you have any mean friends? Yes. Mean friends are the bestest.
32] What is the ugliest color in your opinion? Drab green.
33] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand? Yes
34] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff? Yes.
35] Do you itch your ears? You mean with like car keys like the dude I saw in the Wally the other day? Uh, no
36] What brand are the pant/jeans you are wearing right now? Wearing pjs. Gots to love working from home.
37] How tall are you? 5'4"
38] What is the closest green object? My cup o' diet coke.
39] What is on your feet? Nothing.
40] Do you like watermelon? Oh yum, fo sho.
41] Do you want to have kids? Yes, I do.
42] What is the brightest color you are wearing? Nothing really. Pretty muted tones in these here parts.
43] Who is the friend you have that you would never have expected to have gotten to know? No clue
44] What is your mothers middle name? Louise.
45] Stupidest movie you ever saw? Spawn.
46] Do you like your dad? I heart him.
47] Do you have any TV shows on DVD? Sex and the City, Season 1.
48] Are you wearing makeup? Si.
49]Do you have a tattoo? No, needles are no bueno.
50] Do you know how to draw? No. I totally suck at it.
51] Who is your hero? I don't really have one.
52] Who did you last IM? probably Jen.
53] Do you work a lot of hours? As in work as in get paid? No, a typical 40 hour week normally. Now do I finish this job and then stop out and do job #2 of taking care of the entire house? Yes. So yes I work a lot.
54] What do you do when you are stressed out? I tend to get a wee bit testy.
55] Who was the last person to call you? Hubs.
56] Is there anything you regret? Yes.
57] Do you know where your family name originated from? Ireland I think.
58] Is there an animal that creeps you out? Cockroaches.
59] What was the last thing you did for fun? Ummmmmmmm, not sure really. Lunch with a friend, I guess.
60] Last time you cried? At church on Sunday. They played one of my dad's fave hymns.

About damn time

2006-11-08T13:07:00.001-05:00

Donald Rumsfeld resigns today.

Proof positive that I live in the most ignorant fucking state in the nation

2006-11-08T09:43:00.000-05:00

Yep, what would get one to lose a re-election?

Embezzling?
Giving valuable gov't contracts to your kids?
The Feds finding 90K in your damn freezer?
A tape of you taking bribes?

Anywhere else in the whole fucking country, your ass would be gone. But never fear, William Jefferson, the dumb ass people of your district allowed you stupid stank self to get to the run off. And yes, these would be a lot of the same people who put Ray "Chocolate City" Nagin back in office. So their ignorance and dipshittedness (it is a word today) is well-documented.

Just when I think the dumbasses around here can't get any dumber, they grab a ladder and climb their way up to a greater level of ignorance.

Gosh, I have no clue why I feel so incredibly superior to most of the residents of the ENTIRE TRI-PARISH AREA.

Well, that and I have read more than one book. Without pictures even.

Brit pulls a Whit

2006-11-07T17:22:00.000-05:00

In a vain attempt to get her career back on track, Britney Spears filed for divorce from the the Kev today in California citing irreconcilable differences - that's legalese for "his ass ain't got no job."

What I was doing while the bitches were blogger blow outing

2006-11-07T09:15:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I missed the damn thing. Fuckity fuck. For once in my life it was not a money thing. I know, shocking right? It was a work thing. Since I am a new girl and my supervisor was very kind enough to allow me to muck up my schedule later on this month to go see my sick Pop, I did not feel comfy asking for yet more favors. Ya feel me? Does not mean a bitch was not pissed while working on Saturday afternoon because I KNEW y'all were out taking booby pictures.
So my weekend - let's think. Friday night after work, my mother and I watched yet more Gilmore Girls. We were so tantalizingly close to being done that we watched them all weekend to complete the final season so that we are offically in the knew of all things in Stars Hollow. Don't hate. So tonight when it comes on, I know exactly why Lorelai freaked the fuck out on Luke and the wedding is off. These things are important, ladies. Saturday, I finished work and then hit Sam's to buy bags of chicken, bags of salmon, and our Thanksgiving turkey. Then since my poor mom and I had literally been holed up in the house the bulk of the week, we went all crazy and had a quick bite to eat at Chili's. Got home and yep, you guessed it, more Gilmores. Shut it.
Sunday I was actually off, so we did the church thing. Um, color a Protestant so surprised that rather than getting in everybody's damn way while they tried to go up and have them them some Jesus, my dumb ass could have been going up and getting a blessing from Father Cracker all this time. Yeah, I had no idea. I was sitting there, well kneeling there, doing some praying while the hubs and all the other people not on the fast track to hell like moi were partaking of the holy wafer. So after finding out this tasty morsel (no pun intended), I went up for my blessing which was nice. I do like Father Cracker. He is good people. Then, of course, the closing hymn was one of my Dad's faves, so what does a bitch do? Starts crying in church. Mmmhmmm. I so know how to make an exit.
We then drove up to BR-town to take some things back to Kohls that I had purchased online but had arrived damaged, a frame and a candle. We get there, I finish my transaction and then begin to shop. Let me just say that prior to taking the two things back, I checked the frame area for that particular frame since I really just wanted to make an even exchange, but since I say things on the internet like "have them some Jesus" no frames were to be found. I shop a little and on my way out I decide to just do one more frame drive by to make sure that there was not another frame that would do just as well. Imagine my surprise when right there on the shelf that I plowed through not 30 minutes earlier, sat a frame - the exact frame I wanted. I look at hubs, he looks at me and I go "That is my broken frame." I pick it up, shake the box a little and yep, little tinkles of broken glass are making noise in there. I specifically said "I ordered these online but they arrived BROKEN." Is there a definition of broken to which I am not privy? Could that mean I just don't want it, but hey, it's in fine shape? Nope, they popped that bad boy right back on the shelf. What the HELL? So yeah, I emailed them when I got home and complained that even while having upper mgt in the store (I saw them while doing my return), clearly their stock people don't give 2 shits if they are putting broken merchandise on a shelf. Will that keep me from shopping there? Oh hell no, but I had to vent to them.
Then I got home in time to watch my boys in black and gold suck ass YET AGAIN. Really chapping my ass, them boys are. But we had a fabulous dinner of steaks on the grill, red potatoes and asparagus to make me feel better. Yum. DH and Brothers and Sisters were not repeats so the night ended perfectly. :) Yesterday I had carved out the entire day to do nothing. Over the last several weeks, I have run around every single day that I did not have to work doing something for someone and I was burnt. I literally laid around all damn day. We finished up the Gilmores for good in the morning, popped them in the mail. I finally took a shower at about 1 after my Us Weekly had showed up in the mail (score!!!). Then I completed my laying around. Took a snooze and waited for the hubs to come home. He was helping deliver voting machines since 5 AM in the morning. He finally got home and then we watched the bulk of the CMAs. All I really wanted to see was Sara Evans sing. She did not come on until like 9:30 but she looked beautiful as always. I have always thought she was so underrated. Her voice is fabulous and her songs and CDs are always great, but she never gets the attention of Faith Hill or Martina McBride. If anything comes out of this scandal with her idiot hubs, I hope it makes her more of a household name and helps her sales. She is one of the most talented for sure.
Anyways, that was my big weekend. Now today it's back to work. Let me know what you all did!

Book #51 - Mine are Spectacular

2006-11-04T13:41:00.000-05:00

That is a phrase that on eof the characters says to herself daily in the mirror while cupping her boobages. I shit you not.
The book centered around this woman who is engaged to a dude who has a few bucks so they move out of the city and into the burbs in this big ass house outside of NYC. Her best friends, a dermatologist (who does the little ditty up above) and a former Hollywood agent who leaped off the fast track onto the Mommy track, keep her sane while trying to deal with an intrusive ex-wife who has made it clear she wants her man back, a soon to be step-daughter who acts like the spoiled bitch from hell and a consistently absentee soon to be hubs. That's no bueno.
The story was good moved quickly. I like how it ended up in the end. Not all tied in a bow, but nice enough.
I actually finished this book well over a week ago and have moved on to #52, but I just kept forgetting to post this. I am still knee deep in Gilmore Girls DVDs from the Flix. Six more episodes and I am officially done. Then I will finally see some movies and then on to season 2 of the Sopranos. I so DIG that show.

SPF - Clint style

2006-11-03T09:46:00.000-05:00

Kristine is once again taking pity on a bitch and doing a super easy SPF. So here you go. She wants the good, the bad and the ugly.

Lookah my boy. He is at his happiest when he can run like a loon and be dirty. Much like my husband.

The bad. Oh son. He tore up a toy that we seriously thought would last forever. The legs of this stuffed horse were freaking braided rope. No match for this bad ass.

The ugly. Gas prices in southern Cal this past Spring. Thank the LAWD they have come down. I pay less than 2 bucks now. Booooyah!

Let me know if you played, bitches.

The holiday that broke down my dog.

2006-11-01T12:52:00.000-05:00

So last night was Halloween. I don't have any cute pictures of Gage wearing his pumpkin shirt, but suffice it to say, he was a huge hit. Very cute. Way cuter than that fucking weiner dog dressed as a hotdog. If I followed that logic, I'd have Gage in assless chaps and a leather fringe vest being that he is a big flaming queen.

So anyhoo, I finished work at 6 and as we all realized, it is fucking dark now at six. Shit, it's dark at 5:30 now. I no likey. So knowing that most kids that trick or treat aren't exactly up carrousing around at like 9 at night, I asked my mom to please take care of the kids that show up before I log off work. I had Gage all dressed and ready to go - looking all cute and shit. A few stragglers showed up early, but for the most part, I was there for all the action. We decided I'd hold Psycho Sam back and Mom would dole out the goods. At first, all went well. We had a big night of frozen pizza and a Gilmore Girls DVD to watch, so we were all set.

Then, it showed up at the house.

A very well dressed mummy. His mom went the whole 9 yards on this kid. White face make up, black rings around the eyes, bandages hanging off him and very nicely wrapped up. My big bad ass attack dog? Yeah, he stayed under the coffee table where he could keep an eye on that creature while uttering a low growl. I went "Awww, bud, come on over." He sprang out from under the table around the other side of it and sat in between my legs with his head on my knee - clearly protecting me from the 7-year-old outside.

From that point on, he was soooooooooo not feeling the oddly dressed creatures that kept showing up at my door. Remember the ugly sectional? Well, on one side of it, there are the two seats that recline and in between is a cushion and table dealio. He perched his rather large dog ass ON THE CUSHION because his time of walking back and forth across my legs while I am trying to catch up on Lorelai and Rory had come to an end. So there he sat. Two feet above my head looking down at my lap like "I just wanna be right there, mama. Why you no love you some me?" He was so pitiful I let him come over but he kept switching positions and y'all have seen him. He is not a tiny boy anymore. So off he went again. So he sat on the other side of the cushion and stared at me. The whole night. The whole time the kids came and went. He no longer showed any interest in who may be at the door because that mummy? It crushed his spirit. He finally laid down and put just his chin on the cushion to stare at me some more in case I decided to make a run for it and he did not catch it.

By the time we were done with the Gilmores and the kids were long gone and the door was closed against the evil of children in costumes, Gage was so strung out on stress that he collapsed in my bed and promptly fell into the type of sleep one can only achieve after the most taxing of days. I brushed my toofers and he was so dead to the world, I could not get him to move. I had to sleep AROUND HIM.

And I did it too. Because I am a good mama.

PS - He goes on doggie Lexapro tomorrow.